We are back with another episode of the love chronicles series. Today our guest blogger is Okeoghene. I enjoy reading this lady's blog as I can so relate to it. She seems like a genuine person and I was totally thrilled when she agreed to feature in the love chronicles series. I loved the candor of Okeoghene's answers and that God plays an important role in her marriage. I found it cute that her hubby chipped in on one of the answers :).
I am particularly grateful that despite being ill, Okeoghene fulfilled her promise to be a part of the series (Get well soon dear!!!). I hope y'all enjoy this interview as much as I did.
We are thrilled to bring you today's guest blogger on the Love chronicles Series- a blogger who choses to remain anonymous. We would refer to her as "Mrs T". She shares with us about the importance of hearing from God before getting married, that love distance relationships can work, that marriage proposals can happen via email and that lots of sex in marriage can spice up a dry marriage. Very important ;o) Thank you, Mrs T for sharing your love life with us.
I was very delighted when she agreed to let us into her love life with her man. I smiled as I read her story as I could see a lot of similarities between myself and her. I hope you enjoy her story as I have and I am sure she'll be willing to answer any questions you have for her.
Many of you will agree that one of the greatest obstacles to a successful marriage is the inability to communicate. It is imperative that the lines of communication be open at ALL COST between a husband and wife.
SH mentioned Josh Powell's five level of communication:
Level 1: Cliche conversation. This is where a person hides behind the safety of cliches. No personal sharing is involved. Cliches such as 'how are you today?' or 'Looks like it is going to rain today' Level 2: reporting facts about others. Here people mention what others have said to them but offer no personal views on those facts. You know, reporting facts like a newsreader Level 3: ideas and judgements. This is where real communication begins. A person is willing to step out of the cliche screen and risk sharing his/her ideas and judgements. Level 4: feelings and emotions. A person shares his feelings about issues. This is where effective communication starts. Couples need to interact at a level where you know what each other feels about vital issues Level 5: openness and honesty. This is the ultimate level. All deep relationships especialy marriage must be based on honest communication if not the marriage will suffer.
The communication process in marriage (and even other aspects of life) comprises of three simple but very powerful rules: talking, listening and understanding. We would address each one separately.
This topic is a very interesting one and could be seen as controversial but I enjoyed reading and learning from it. Remember we are using the book- Marriage as God intended as a study guide and the book is based on biblical principles. As a result this topic is being addressed from a Christian viewpoint. You can take this as a disclaimer if you wish. ;). Please note this topic isn't only for the Married but also for the Singles. Better to know all about these things before signing the dotted line.
Some marriages today are in trouble because there are two people trying to be leaders. Billy Graham's wife Ruth said in an interview once "if there are two leaders in a marriage then one of them is unnecessary". According to SH "roles determine relationships". He said "show me a marriage in which the roles are clearly defined, clearly understood and acted upon, and I will show you a marriage where relationships blossom like a beautiful flower." Someone might say "what roles?" We are leaving in a society where these distinct roles have become blurred. The feminist movement believe that apart from the ability to bear children there are no differences between men and women. However this according to the bible is not true. Paul was able to break the roles down in the book of Ephesians 5. Verse 23, 25 say that the husband is the head of the wife and must love his wife as Christ loves the church. While verse 24 say the wife is to submit herself to her husband in the same way that the church is subject to Christ. Lets us break these two roles down a bit further.
Today we shall begin our discussion on Selwyn Hughes (SH)
book- “Marriage as God intended”. This
chapter addresses why marriages break up.
Please note that throughout the book discussion over the next couple of
weeks we would be picking key points from the chapters whilst adding in our own
thoughts and not rewriting the whole book so I’ll highly recommended like I did
last time that you get the book.
Let’s go there…. (I just had to chip that in...lol)
Ok so I won’t go into all the scary statistics but it is not news today
that a lot of marriages are in trouble. We have all heard about Kim K's 72 days of marriage resulting in divorce. What a shame! A lot of marriages around us are
breaking up and the numbers keep increasing by the day. Which worries me
because it shows that marriage and family are becoming less and less important
to people.
SH highlights 4 main reasons why marriages are going downhill:
I was inspired by a friend sometime last year to write this post. I have added and subtracted a few things here and there. Some of you might have read it on my other blog or not but I thought it might be a good read here, so here goes:
I asked if my friend had a girlfriend and he said yes. I asked because he was making me laugh a lot, very funny guy, anyway I told him I’m sure his girlfriend has a great time with him because he'll be making her laugh a lot. And then he said it is possible he makes other people laugh and no matter how much clowning he does, if his girlfriend is not happy with him, she is not. Sadly, this is true for a lot of people, they can converse freely with other people, laugh with them but their relationships with their partners are going awry or lacking spice. How many times have relationships ended because of these reasons:"we have fallen out of love", "he doesn’t appreciate me", "she doesn’t respect me" etc. You can add some of your own personal phrases if you like.
I think I might know some ingredients for a loving and lasting relationship. I haven't been at this long enough i know, i only got married 2 years and 3 months ago (can you imagine, I originally wrote this when we had been married six months) but i was in a relationship that lasted 6 years and ended in marriage to my wonderful husband. There are principles which do not change over time and i'd like to share them.
Here are some tips i think are important for a wonderful and loving relationship:
* Laugh together - Laugh at yourselves, there are things that happen everyday that we can choose to laugh about. Joke about your mistakes, don't be touchy...Just look enough you will see reasons to laugh.
* Avoid criticism- You really don't have to mention everything that goes wrong, criticism kills a relationship. Find loving ways to communicate correction (note I said correction not criticism). Human beings generally do not like being corrected, the only way it's palatable is when we're sure the other person is looking out for our interest and is not proving superior.
*Pray together- An old saying goes "a family that prays together stays together", i guess that says it all.
*Give gifts- "You can give without loving, you cannot love without giving". Your gifts don't need to be expensive; the thought does it for most people especially if you're like me. The past few days, hubby has been coming home from work with things he knows I’ll like, they’re not big things but they go a long way in saying ‘I was thinking about you’.
*Spice it up- Don't be dry, find interesting things to do with each other and share some interests. Your own interest might be watching movies together, do it as often as you can, it might be swimming, just think of anything you can do together for fun. Don’t get too old for fun!
*Respect- Respect, i beg to differ is not domination!! Respect according to the dictionary in simple terms is the condition of being esteemed or honored. The other person wants to feel like you value them. Show some respect. If you're married, don't invite guests over without notifying your spouse, it shows a sign of disrespect. The first time some people hear of something going on with their partner is when their friends say it to their hearing. Show some respect for each other! Always ask yourself before doing something, will it honour or show esteem for my partner? And women, massage the guy's ego. Every man likes to feel he's in charge, i know it's hard in these days of "girl power" but hey, what's most important to you: emancipation or a loving lasting relationship?
*Be open- Don't keep secrets. Try to be each other's best friends. It might be hard initially but it will get easier as you practise this and go a long way in making a wonderful relationship.
*Be committed- Falling in love is a wonderful feeling, a euphoric feeling which you want to have forever. You catch the guy's eyes on the other side of the room and current passes all over your body...girl believe me, this only lasts so much time! The reason most people claim to have fallen out of love is they they think love is that gooey feeling. I'm not saying the feeling will not be there but sometimes you won't have it...Love is most importantly a commitment!
These are a few tips, i could go on and on but they will all revolve around these few theories i guess. Most importantly, the bible teaches us a lot about love and if you're interested you can model 1Cor 13 :4-7 in your relationship, you will never have to fall out of love if you follow the principles stated there. This portion of scriptures says: Love is patient, love is kind.It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Just ponder on those verses, do you think that with them you could ever go wrong in love? I sincerely doubt.
Falling in love is a wonderful thing, being in love is great and staying in love is awesome! It's like old wine, it gets better with the years.
I'm grateful i found love and i thank God for giving me a husband who teaches me to love daily. To those of you who are still looking for love, i pray you find it and if you have found it, i pray for the grace to hold on to it and be able to stay in it.
