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 15-Minute Marriage Makeover by Dustin Riechmann 15-Minute Marriage Makeover is more than an ebook; it's a plan designed to refresh your relationship, add sizzle to your sex life and bring more happiness to your marriage. And all of that in just 15 minutes a day!

The exercises in this book focus on the four pillars of a happy marriage -- communication, romance, intimacy and finances -- with time management tools, mini lessons, couple time tasks and a weekly date night to review the topic of the week.  

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Not only will it show you the foundational principles that are present in every marriage and an understanding of where you currently are in your relationship, but it also provides the encouragement, tools and steps to help you invest in your marriage today, whether your spouse is interested in participating or not.

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My best friend is getting married to Mr Wrong- What do I do?

Hi friends,

We hope you are doing well?

Please read below. Please can you advise Tara on what to do concerning her best friend? 

Thanks

Aloted

***************************************************************************

 I am 30 years old and I have been married for two years and I have a son. My bestie is the same age as me but isn’t married. We are both Christians.

source: google images

She has dated a few men but it didn’t work out. Her last relationship ended in heart break. She met this man a few months ago and they are already talking marriage. Personally I don’t think this man is good enough for her. I think she is settling for less. Growing up we both had a list for marriage- “must have” and “can’t stand”. We said we would never marry someone who has any of our “can’t stand” characteristics. This man has at least three of her “can’t stand” features! He is not born again (yes he goes to church but I know he isn’t), he smokes socially when with friends (or so he says) and he has been married before with two kids.

I have tried to remind my friend about our lists but she was like that was when we were young and in fairytale land. This is reality and time is ticking. She says the guy loves her (and has a lot of her must have features) and compared to the other guys she has dated even Christians he has been honest with her about himself.

I am shocked my friend is saying all these; I am not even sure about her spiritual life anymore. I think she is angry with God over her past failed relationships. I asked if she is ready to be a step mum and be involved in his former wife’s drama. She said the former wife and children live abroad and won’t be part of their lives. That she is a big girl and can handle it. She doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

I am scared my friend is making the wrong choice out of desperation. I love her and don’t want to see her hurt. But I am happily married with a child and she once said jokingly don’t I want her to join me in married life so we can swap stories. Of course I want her to be married but to the right man. Gosh! That is so not what marriage is about- swapping stories.

How do I get through to my friend? Her parents are late and she is the eldest of her siblings. This guy is rich and has promised to take care of her and her siblings.

Do you think I am over reacting? I don’t want to lose my best friend over this man but I am very worried for her.

Please what do I do?  Thank you

Tara.

Can SHE propose?

I’m conservative, old school, probably traditional and most importantly, I base my decisions on God’s word. As a result, I like to think it’s a man’s job to do the asking, it’s the woman’s part to do the answering. I know there might be exceptions to every rule and I’m not even saying this is a rule.

Let’s start from Genesis, God made Adam and then after He had made Adam and given him a job, He made him fall into a deep sleep. He then fashioned a woman out of him. Eve came and then Adam decided she was flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone and called her woman. We can infer that Adam proposed to Eve or well, acknowledged her as his woman.

Go forward a bit in the bible, Abraham told his servant to go and find a wife for his son Isaac among his own people (Gen 24:4). The servant went to Nahor and found Rebecca for Isaac. He then took her back to meet him in Canaan. He did the asking, the woman did the consenting. So many parts of the bible show us how the man asked for the woman’s hand in marriage. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord” Prov 18:22. Note it says HE.

I tend to think the man is the head of the home, even as the word of God says; ‘the man is the head of the woman...’ (in the context of their home) and if he is the leader, he should be bold enough to ask the woman to be his wife. He is the God ordained physical and spiritual leader and if the woman has to start leading before they are married, it might be pointers to the fact that he might find it hard to step up to his leadership roles in marriage. Also, if a woman pops the question out rightly, a man might feel pressured into making a lifetime commitment.

Of course, I think, a woman can give the man hints if the courtship seems be dragging and he is not making any moves towards marriage. A lady can bring up the topic and see what the man’s reaction is to it. Also if the relationship has a solid foundation, both parties should be open to discussing the issue of marriage. Proposals don’t necessarily have to be the traditional; man drops down on one knee, brings out a ring and asks the woman to marry him in the presence of others’.

In my case, my husband and I had agreed from the word go that we would get married. It was only a matter of ‘right timing’ and as we went along, he constantly reminded me that he wanted me to be his wife. At some point in our relationship, he bought me a ring to make it more formal. When we were going to get married, it was more of a discussion as we had agreed to get married and he had proposed to me way before this time.

It is not expressly written in the bible that a man must seek a woman's hand in marriage but several scriptures point to men making the proposal. Culture also appreciates men making the marriage move. In the old days, the man’s family would go to the woman’s to ask for the hand of the woman in marriage. In fact, in those days, the woman didn’t really have much of a say in whatever family her parents and extended family agree to give her in marriage to.

Having said all of the above, I  realise in life that there are any hard and fast rules really and no two relationships are the same. Nothing signifies that a marriage in which the woman did the asking will be problematic.

It would be nice to hear your opinions and contributions. Do you think a woman can or should pop the question? Is it right? Can it affect the relationship or marriage adversely? We look forward to hearing the thoughts of both our male and female readers. If we can get some real life examples, that would also be great.

Ps: It’s great to be back from my sabbatical. Hopefully I will be around here more often from now on.

Writefreak

Questions to Ask Before You Get Married

Unfortunately we won't be featuring our guest blogger for today's love chronicle series due to circumstances beyond all our control.  The post will be up ASAP but in it's place we are featuring extracts from an article we think you would all enjoy. Before marriage we believe you have to do your due diligence and go into it well informed.

This article poses some questions you should ask yourself and intending before tying the knot. The courtship period is meant to get to know each other better in and out. Apart from counseling in church, I remember my hubby and I went over the manual "Before you say 'I do'" by H. Norman Wright and Wes Roberts. It shed a lot of light into our relationship and helped us to ask ourselves questions we didn't think about initially. I definitely recommend that manual.


So we will be sharing some of the key questions from the article with you. If you would like to read the complete article it can be found here.

Are you willing to grow up? Your own maturity level, and that of your spouse, will determine how well you all can work together in marriage and how likely you all will be to stick with your relationship or give up on it. So each of you needs to honestly assess your current spiritual, emotional, social, and financial maturity by reflecting on issues such as how much self-control you each have, how much you respect authority, how much you can say “no” to some activities so you can say “yes” to those that are best for you, how much peace versus drama you have in your relationships with others, how often you keep your promises and follow through on commitments, whether or not you have a job that pays your bills, and whether or not you’re in debt.

Are you “equally yoked”? It’s never God’s will for you to be yoked (tied together) in marriage with someone who’s not a Christian, because a person who’s not connected to Jesus can’t head in the same direction as you can. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that you can pull an unbelieving spouse closer to Jesus; what happens instead in marriages between believers and unbelievers is that the unbelieving spouse pulls the believing spouse further away from Jesus. Realize that you can fall in love with anyone you happen to be attracted to, but that doesn’t mean that you should marry them.

Have you talked about money? Disclose all of your financial information to the person you’re considering marrying, and expect full disclosure from him or her, too. Talk about how each of you plans to earn, spend, save, give, and invest money if you get married, and why. If you discover that one or both of you doesn’t currently have a healthy budget or healthy money management attitudes or habits, get help and make changes before getting married to save yourselves from having to go through tremendous stress afterward.

Will you commit? Marriage as God designed it requires a lifetime commitment. So you and the person you’re considering marrying should face your fears about that and discuss issues such as how you plan to handle disagreements and crises that may come up in your future marriage, such as illness and job loss. Determine whether or not both of you are willing to trade the lives you have now for a new life together, and whether or not you’re willing to eliminate the option of divorce and keep turning to God for the strength to keep working on your marriage.

Are you compatible? Realize that just because you love someone doesn’t mean that person is a good match for you. Honestly evaluate which personality traits and personal habits you can live with for many decades in a future marriage, and which will drive your marriage apart. Let go of any person who isn’t truly compatible with you to save you both years of heartache.

Have you communicated your expectations? Discuss each of your expectations about married life, such as where you’d live, where you’d go to church, when you’d start trying to have children and how many children you want, and what types of careers and work hours you each hope to have. Since surprising each other after you’re married will cause lots of stress, it’s much better to talk about your expectations beforehand and see if you can reach agreements before committing to married life together.

Are you ready to marry an entire family? Get to know each other’s family backgrounds well, since each of you will carry over the attitudes and behaviors that you learned growing up into the new family that you create together. Pursue healing for issues that concern either of you (such as anger management problems or addictions) and end the dating relationship if you discover character problems (such as a lack of integrity) that the person you’re considering marrying isn’t willing to address.

Are you willing to submit? Each of you must be willing to submit to Jesus in obedience in your life together, to express honor and respect for Him. That means mutually following Jesus’ example of loving service to others. Never try to control each other, but instead choose to serve each other even when doing so is difficult, just as Jesus served others when He was on Earth. Through this process in your future marriage, God will help each of you become more like Jesus.

Will you give respect? You each must also be willing to respect each other – even when you don’t think that the other deserves that respect – because God has made you both and highly values you. By choosing to respect your future spouse when he or she doesn’t deserve it, you can motivate your spouse to change and begin acting in ways that are worthy of respect.

Are you ready to love? Realize that love is an action, not just a feeling. Are you prepared to act in love toward your future spouse, even at times when you don’t like his or her behavior? Some of the ways you’ll need to show your love include listening, protecting, providing, and serving each other, no matter what.

Are you ready to “get naked”? Understand that sexual intimacy within marriage involves far more than just a physical connection; it also calls for a spiritual, emotional, and conversational connection. How do you plan to build the kind of relationship with each other that makes healthy and fulfilling sexual intimacy possible in your future marriage? Discuss that openly and honestly with each other.

Adapted from 12 Questions to Ask Before You Marry,copyright 2011 by Clayton and Charie King.

"Premarital Sex is wrong" ~ Okeoghene

We are back with another episode of the love chronicles series. Today our guest blogger is Okeoghene. I enjoy reading this lady's blog as I can so relate to it. She seems like a genuine person and I was totally thrilled when she agreed to feature in the love chronicles series. 

I loved the candor of Okeoghene's answers and that God plays an important role in her marriage.  I found it cute that her hubby chipped in on one of the answers :). 

I am particularly grateful that despite being ill, Okeoghene fulfilled her promise to be a part of the series (Get well soon dear!!!).  I hope y'all enjoy this interview as much as I did.

Lots of sex keep our marriage alive ~ Mrs T

We are thrilled to bring you today's guest blogger on the Love chronicles Series- a blogger who choses to remain anonymous. We would refer to her as "Mrs T".  She shares with us about the importance of hearing from God before getting married, that love distance relationships can work, that marriage proposals can happen via email and that lots of sex in marriage can spice up a dry marriage. Very important ;o)  Thank you, Mrs T for sharing your love life with us. 

"Marriage is a beautiful thing"- Gbemi Adekoya

As promised, today we start off the Love Chronicles series!!! Writefreak and I are so excited!!! :)

We are honoured to have Gbemi who blogs at http://gbemisoke.blogspot.com/ kick off the series.

I was very delighted when she agreed to let us into her love life with her man. I smiled as I read her story as I could see a lot of similarities between myself and her. I hope you enjoy her story as I have and I am sure she'll be willing to answer any questions you have for her.

Here goes!

Parental Consent in Marriage

I was reading online about arranged marriages in some countries like Indian where the parents introduce a son or daugher to a potential spouse based on set criteria that they have. Most of these marriages seem to last (note this is not the same as forced marriages). This got me thinking about what impact parents have on their children having successful marriages. I believe even when you select your husband or wife to be- the blessing/approval of your parent is vital before you tie the knot. Now there are exceptions to the rule where some parents are just unreasonable for no just cause so this post isn’t dealing with such anomalies. I have found though that more often than not, godly parents who have been involved in the life of their children want what is best for them even in marriages.

From the movie: Father of the bride

There is a saying from my culture that goes, "a child may have many clothes like an adults but cannot have many rags like an adults." This means older people generally know more about life than younger people since they have gone through life and experienced life more. As a result when it comes to marriage, the criteria they have for choosing a partner might differ from what a young person considers as ideal. Parents in Nigeria (where I come from) look at things like background, the dynamics of the other family itself, status, health etc. Some even go as far as checking if there are any hereditary diseases in the other family.

From the little I have observed around me- when parents are against a union, few years down the line you beginning to hear of serious issues in that marriage sometimes resulting to separation or divorce. Please note I am not saying this happens all the time. Because we are so "in love" and on cloud 9, we cannot always see where our parents, our family or even friends are coming from when they say they have their doubts. Let your parents be a litmus test especially when you know they love you and want the best for you.

Deuteronomy 5:16 says- “Honour your father and your mother… then you will live a long full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you." This is the first commandment with a promise and such a powerful promise it is. The average person who gets married and lives long will spend most of his/her adult life married. So having a long full married life I believe will be covered by this promise if we honour our parents' perspective. Sometimes young people believe their knowledge of their particular situation is wiser than the wisdom of their parents whom God has ordained to lead/guide them.

Personally, I think every intended couple should endeavour to have their parents’ blessings before entering into marriage. In a scenario where the parents have their doubt, find out what it is and see if it is something you can clear up with them. Be honest with them and let them get to know your man/woman better. It might just be a case of a misunderstanding, misinformation or miscommunication.  If it is deeper than that and you are sure this is the man or woman for you, then go to God in prayer to change their heart. There is nothing impossible with God.

Of course there are cases of people who married their partners against their parents wish and are genuniely happy and sometimes the parents even came around. I personally would rather just have the approval (which I did...lol) before tying the knot. Remember your parents will always be in your life and will also become grandparents to your children, so ask yourself if it is really worth getting married without their blessing.

Ultimately the success of a marriage depends on both people in the marriage, however the foundation of a marriage counts in this success as well.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think having your parents blessing or approval is important before you get married? If no, I’ll like to know more as I am sure some cases are not clear cut. Some people are still waiting for parents approval for years. I genuinely sympathise with you and pray God directs such people in the way to go.

Please note that this post doesn't address complex issues that may exist in some families. I am simply just sharing my point of view.

The book series will resume in the new year. Compliments of the season!!!

Understanding Each Other- Part III of the Communication Series

source: google images

Finally we address the last component of the communication process- Understanding. SH says "if every husband and wife spent as much time trying to understand their partner as they do in seeking to be understood, there would be fewer hassles and problems in marriage." When we aim to be understood and we are not, we end up feeling bitter, miserable and resentful but when we aim to understand our partner, our partner feels less defensive, opens up which in turns helps them to understand us. Understanding is putting yourself in the other person's shoes

Sometimes our partners behave in a way which causes us to be impatient or irritated with them. Our aim is first of all to try and understand why they behaved that way. According to psychologists "all behaviour is caused".  Something causes us to behave the way we do in any given situation.

Sometimes our behaviour is triggered by our upbringing or something someone said, or something that occurred. Some times you find out you are upset but can't remember what triggered it. With some digging you can almost pinpoint what caused you to feel that way.

Sometimes people bring situations from past relationships into their marriage- something SH terms as transference. "This is when a person projects a problem of the past- a bad relationship, a traumatic event onto a person or a situation in the present." It could be feelings towards an abusive father or ex boyfriend now projected on a husband, or the betrayal of an ex girlfriend which causes you to get defensive in your marriage. When couples communication at  level 4& 5 discussed in this post, issues like these are brought to the fore front and each person can understand where the other person is coming from.

We all have an inner child which influences and interferes with our adult lives and relationships. Learning to spot the inner child- both in yourself and your partner will help you to understand yourself and your partner better.

Our upbringing has a great impact on our lives. For example- when a wife nag her husband, he is reminded of his mother's constant correcting as a child and his inner child reacts in defence. It is paramount that we observe our partners, what they like or dislike, what triggers positive and negative reactions in them. By doing this we can aim to eradicate what triggers the negative and enhance the happy triggers. We then open up the lines of communication.

So next time your husband or wife behave in a strange manner, do some digging to try and understand why. Pray that the Lord will grant you the grace to understand them rather than to be understood. By practising the other two components- speaking and listening with understanding you are on your way to establishing effective communication which will transform your marriage.

Future reading- A post on Understanding by Favoured Girl.

You can subscribe or follow us so you don't miss a post. Till next time!

Listening Effectively- Part II of the Communication Series

Today we continue discussing effective communication. Check out Part I on Talking here.

Listening is the second most important aspect of good communication. Most people will rather talk than listen. Especially when we are upset or hurt, we want to be assertive and get our feelings out there!

source: google images

James 1:19 says- Let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak , slow to take offense and to get angry. 

Listening means making an effort to concentrate on what a person is saying, and being as eager to listen as you are to speak. Someone once said- the reason why God made us with one mouth and two ears is because he wanted us to listen twice as much as we speak. I mean, think about it, makes sense doesn't it?

SH mentioned that communication experts have a term to describe poor listening habits- 'egospeak'. This is when you are already thinking of what you are going to say once the other person has stopped talking. Or jumping in before the other person has finished speaking. Do you see yourself having egospeak. I think most of us have it!

Good listening has to be learnt as it doesn't come naturally to us. Here are some pointers SH presenter:

Recognise the obstacles that prevent effective listening and work on practical steps to eliminating them. One major obstacle is defensiveness. Think about it, when you are defensive all you are thinking about is how to make your position on an issue known, shooting down the other person's comments and why they are wrong and why you are right. You think less of what the other person has to say.

Another obstacle is self centredness or self preoccupation. This is where ego comes in. The ego need to talk rather than to listen. You know, when you are more interested in yourself than in your partner. If we focus on developing genuine love we can become better listeners.

Another obstacle to good listening is physical or mental fatigue. When you try to discuss important issues at the wrong time, listening becomes a great burden. Observe your partner and know when they are more alert and rested before trying to discuss serious matters.

Can you think of any other obstacles to effective listening??

Learn to listen to the feelings behind a person's words and not just the words. SH says- "there is no better way of assuring a person that you are a perspective listener than when you identify the feelings that lies underneath the words." It is the quickest way of making a person feel understood and when a person feels understood, they become less defensive and more cooperative. This takes discipline and practice but often yields great results.

SH gave an exercise in the book with some statements and a list of feelings to associate with those statements.

One way to develop perspective listening is repeating to your partner precisely what you have heard them say. This gives them a chance to confirm or deny the accuracy of what you have understood them say as communication could get distorted between sender and receiver.  Of course this shouldn't be done for every single conversation but for the specially important and crucial conversations.  Most times we assume we know where the other person is going with a conversation which ends up not being the case.  Restating what your partner says indicates a commitment to your partner's well being. You are letting him or her know that you are interested and care about how he or she feels.

Learn to listen as it can bring about a transformation in your marriage.

I have missed some parts in this section as it was more practical with scenarios but hopefully the points above will still be helpful. We will discuss "Understanding", the last important component of effective communication next time.  


I found this picture online and though it seems funny the message is simple and makes plenty sense :)

source: google images.

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Have a great week!

Speak the Truth In Love- Part I of the Communication Series

Many of you will agree that one of the greatest obstacles to a successful marriage is the inability to communicate. It is imperative that the lines of communication be open at ALL COST between a husband and wife.

SH mentioned Josh Powell's five level of communication:

Level 1: Cliche conversation. This is where a person hides behind the safety of cliches. No personal sharing is involved. Cliches such as  'how are you today?' or 'Looks like it is going to rain today'
Level 2: reporting facts about others. Here people mention what others have said to them but offer no personal views on those facts. You know, reporting facts like a newsreader
Level 3: ideas and judgements. This is where real communication begins. A person is willing to step out of the cliche screen and risk sharing his/her ideas and judgements.
Level 4: feelings and emotions. A person shares his feelings about issues. This is where effective communication starts. Couples need to interact at a level where you know what each other feels about vital issues
Level 5: openness and honesty. This is the ultimate level. All deep relationships especialy marriage must be based on honest communication if not the marriage will suffer.

The communication process in marriage (and even other aspects of life) comprises of three simple but very powerful rules: talking, listening and understanding. We would address each one separately.

The Role of A Wife

Last weekend, we started the topic "Who is in Charge?" and discussed the role of the husband in a marriage. From the comments we received here and on twitter it was clear that God is in charge however, the man has been commanded to be the head and loving leader in a marriage. Today we look at the role of the wife.

"The major function of a woman in marriage is that of submission to her husband's leadership". Hmm that word submission for a lot of people has a negative connotation. I certainly didn't like that word a lot before I got married. Submit? Whyyy? Writefreak blogged about this a while back as a lot of women see submission as a form of slavery. You can check the post here. The comments were really interesting.

Ephesians 5:22-24 New International Version (NIV) Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Image from google images

Some women say well my husband can be the head while I am the neck and I can turn him whichever way I want. lol, That seems funny but in reality that is how a number of women have decided to resolve this submission matter.  Our attitude towards submission shouldn't be one of fear but it is "to be enjoyed, and when rightly understood and practised, it helps a woman experience the security she needs."

So the multimillion dollar question is what exactly is submission?

SH says "submission is really an attitude or a frame of mind. It recognises that just as Christ was subject to God, and that the church is subject to Christ, so a woman ought to be subject to her husband. By this attitude she is saying 'I believe God has arranged the structure of marriage in harmony with the highest principles of the universe. And one of those principles is submission to a higher authority. God has placed my husband above me, not to be superior to me, but to be my spiritual covering and protection. God will protect me from harm through him and as I recognise this principle and live happily and contentedly beneath it, I shall be relieved of a great deal of the stresses and strains of life because Gd has arranged and equipped my husband to carry them.'"

Who is in Charge?

This topic is a very interesting one and could be seen as controversial but I enjoyed reading and learning from it. Remember we are using the book- Marriage as God intended as a study guide and the book is based on biblical principles. As a result this topic is being addressed from a Christian viewpoint. You can take this as a disclaimer if you wish. ;).  Please note this topic isn't only for the Married but also for the Singles. Better to know all about these things before signing the dotted line.

Some marriages today are in trouble because there are two people trying to be leaders. Billy Graham's wife Ruth said in an interview once "if there are two leaders in a marriage then one of them is unnecessary". According to SH "roles determine relationships". He said "show me a marriage in which the roles are clearly defined, clearly understood and acted upon, and I will show you a marriage where relationships blossom like a beautiful flower." Someone might say "what roles?" We are leaving in a society where these distinct roles have become blurred. The feminist movement believe that apart from the ability to bear children there are no differences between men and women. However this according to the bible is not true. Paul was able to break the roles down in the book of Ephesians 5. Verse 23, 25 say that the husband is the head of the wife and must love his wife as Christ loves the church. While verse 24 say the wife is to submit herself to her husband in the same way that the church is subject to Christ. Lets us break these two roles down a bit further.

What’s happening to marriage?

Today we shall begin our discussion on Selwyn Hughes (SH) book- “Marriage as God intended”. This chapter addresses why marriages break up.  Please note that throughout the book discussion over the next couple of weeks we would be picking key points from the chapters whilst adding in our own thoughts and not rewriting the whole book so I’ll highly recommended like I did last time that you get the book.

Let’s go there…. (I just had to chip that in...lol)

Ok so I won’t go into all the scary statistics but it is not news today that a lot of marriages are in trouble. We have all heard about Kim K's 72 days of marriage resulting in divorce. What a shame! A lot of marriages around us are breaking up and the numbers keep increasing by the day. Which worries me because it shows that marriage and family are becoming less and less important to people.

SH highlights 4 main reasons why marriages are going downhill:

Marriage as God intended

During the premarital counselling session my husband and I attended about 4 years ago in church, my pastor used the book "Marriage as God intended" by Selwyn Hughes as a lesson guide. The book was full of profound words I promptly got a copy after the classes so I could refer to the book again.  I dug out the book just recently to read again and I thought it would be a good idea for us to share some key points from the book over the next few weeks with our readers.

I recommend the book to singles, those about to get married and even those that are already married.  It covers resolving conflict, adjusting to parents and in- laws, how not to fall into adulterous sin by remarrying, extra-marital affairs. In short it covers the factors that effect and affect a marriage.


So that it doesn't appear like I am biased or making things up, here are some reviews on the book I found online:

"This book is wonderful! I have found this the best book I have read on marriage. It addresses many important areas including communication and in-laws. It has a peace pact and a very constructive way of dealing with conflict. This is a must-have book for those who are in a relationship, engaged, or married. There is so much to be learnt from this book for both believers and non believers. I could not recommend this book more highly."

"A very practical book based on the many real examples of couples seeking marriage counselling. It helps to prepare couples, particularly Christians to get ready for their married life. For non-Christians, this book also helps both sides to understand more about different important aspects in marriage, like in-laws, roles, communication, etc and suggested practical ways to improve things or avoid big mistakes. Highly-Recommended. I was given one when doing the marriage preparation and bought one for a good friend who's getting married."

Some of you might know the late Selwyn Hughes. He is the author of "Everyday with Jesus" Devotionals. He has written such amazing and inspiring daily devotionals. 

If you have a copy of the book you can read along and share your thoughts. Alternatively, you could check if your local library has a copy that you can borrow (not sure if local libraries exist in Nigeria). Or better still buy the book! I promise you the book is worth having in your library. 

We haven't figured out what day of the week we would be writing the posts but it would most likely be up on the weekends for the next couple of weeks. Writefreak and I would be sharing different chapters so watch this space!


God bless

photo credits:www.amazon.co.uk

Slight Change in Direction

Hello people. we hope you are doing well?

Just a quick note to give you a heads-up on the direction of this blog. Apart from focuing on just singles, we have decided to focus on relationships in general still from a Godly perspective. This means we would also have posts on marriage, parenting etc as well.

The devil is out to ruin relationships, but as children of the Most High we cannot be ignorant of the devices of the enemy. We hope with this blog we can help people learn how to guard their relationships from any attacks and be a light to the world, so that they can learn and come to the knowledge of Chrits.

We welcome your thoughts, questions and suggestions on topics to cover. Please leave us your comments or drop us an email at thesoulsistas@googlemail.com

Thanks for all your support.

Let's talk about SEX

So we all know what this means and i definitely don't need to give a definition. This is one topic that is mostly talked about and also mostly 'shyed' away from. In some churches, the mere mention of the word sex makes you a sinner. Sex is a spiritual act, a connection between two souls that should not be trivialised and should be celebrated.

Sex as originally designed by God is supposed to be an act between a man and a woman, not just any man and woman but a man and woman joined together in marriage. I'm aware that this is contrary to popular belief but sex as ordained by God i reiterate is an act designed to be between to married people, a man and a woman. It's sad to see how such a holy act has been 'bastardised'.

In Genesis, God gave Eve to Adam as a help meet for him, they were naked with each other and not ashamed. Eve had become Adam's wife after God fashioned her out of him and they were naked with each other! The bible says in Genesis 2: 23-25

'And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed'.
Please note it says here a man shall cleave to his wife, not his girl friend, not his friends with benefit, not his friend, not his sister, not his fiancee, his WIFE.

The temptation to have premarital sex is so great, it takes the grace of God to say NO and be able to stand by it. I'm aware some people can do it by mere determination but for us lesser humans, we need to rely solely on the grace of God. Our minds are bombarded every hour of the day by sexual innuendos, some even very direct. Everywhere you turn, it's the sex talk. It's definitely not easy to say no. The philosophy creeping around 'if it feels good then it's right' also doesn't help matters. Lord knows sex gives a very good feeling, on the basis of that philosophy, then sex in any form is right, right? Wrong! Remember, we're making the bible our base and i just established the bible says sex is between a man and his wife or if you prefer a woman and her husband...

Now that we established that sex is between a married couple,I'm sure you're wondering so what should i do with all these temptations! For the unmarried ladies, there are so many fine brothas out there, in fact they wouldn't even date you if they found out you were celibate and for the guys, Lord knows the babes are revealing more and more cleavage these days! What's a brother to do? Well, a sister is to keep her values and a brother's to marry or keep himself. It's tough I know and like i said we need GRACE. But trust me, I've been there.

What qualifies me to write this? I'm married and all and do i even know what single people go through? Well, I was in a relationship with the Mr over 6 years before we tied the knot and although celibacy was a mutual decision since we base our lives on the word, we had our temptations and challenges. I'm glad to say we waited though, so I know I qualify to say Ring on before you let him in or if you're a guy, you both have to have given her that ring before you can ask her for sex.

I'll give some reasons why i totally support abstinence and why i think it's a good idea for anyone to wait for marriage.
1. As a Christian, you have a clear conscience towards God. God has said not to do it, what better reason not to do it. You can approach God with peace in your heart. We all know what weight it feels like when you know you shouldn't do something and you keep doing it.

2. Respect. you get to respect yourself as an individual and also the other person. You know that the other person is not only looking to get under your clothes. The fact that they respect you helps them to keep their hands off.

3. No emotional baggage: Sex is a spiritual thing. It is a fusion of two souls, a transference of spirit takes place when you have sex. Whether you have it with one guy or more, why become one with someone you're not married to? How many people are you going to be one with?

4. Trust and discipline. When you eventually marry, you're able to trust that guy or that woman more. If he can't keep his hands off you before marriage, how do you know he can keep his hands off other ladies after he's married to you? If he showed some discipline with you before marriage, he'll most likely be disciplined enough to keep his hands off other girls that tempt him after marriage. Trust me, the temptation doesn't end in marriage.

5. A clear sense of judgement. When you have sex with someone especially when you enjoy it, you have the tendency to overlook their faults no matter how major. This way you can end up marrying someone you shouldn't or wouldn't have married under clear circumstances. Sex gives you a soul tie to someone.

6. You enter marriage with realistic expectations. When you haven't had other sexual partners, it's hard to compare your partner to anyone. You get to understand how to please each other and not think like oh no, B was better in this sense.

7. You get to know the 'real' each other. Most people have bad marriages because the time they should have spent discovering each other, their likes and dislikes, they spend in bed. Spend that time outdoors instead of behind closed doors.

8. When you abstain from premarital sex, you don't have to worry about pregnancy and even sexually transmitted diseases.

I could think of a lot of other reasons but I think this captures the essence of everything.
This post is only a foundation to the Sex talks series, in my next post, I'll be talking about how to abstain from sex and also if you have any questions, you can leave them in the comment box or send a mail to our mail address and they will be tackled in the next post. If you don't want us to mention names, we won't!

Have a blessed weekend! Remember abstinence is possible!

Recommended reading: http://www.premaritalsex.info/

While Waiting for Mr Right

You are single, anxiously (or not) waiting for Mr. Right to come sweep you off your feet. While you are waiting, what are you doing to get prepared? It is ironic how in life we prepare for almost everything except marriage. Before taking an exam you study hard; before doing your driving test, you have hours of practice on the road. Parents to be have nine months to prepare before their bundle of joy arrives. Before singing or acting on stage you practice for days. Yet we expect that in the matter of love and marriage everything will just fall in place somehow.


Granted no one is perfect and marriage is about two imperfect people working together with a Perfect God as their foundation. Nevertheless, while waiting are you doing anything to become a better person? Esther in the bible, who won the favor of the king and became queen of Persia, had to undergo twelve months of preparation before she was presented to King Xerxes.


Here are some key questions you should consider while waiting.

Know who you are. What are your strengths and weaknesses? By knowing yourself in and out, good and bad, you can easily discern a man that can compliment (note not complete) you and vice versa. You can tell what you need in a mate and what you can live without. If you are a talkative or the life of a party, you don’t need someone who will compete with you. You need someone who can caution you and let you know when you are going to far. If you are quick tempered, you need someone who is levelheaded. If you are good with planning, you can complement someone who sees the big picture only.

Another aspect of knowing yourself involves some deep soul searching. You might need a trusted friend to help you determine your best and worst qualities. Are you pushy/bossy? Are you selfish? Do you derive pleasure from helping others? Are you giving? The list goes on and on. Hone your best qualities and try to improve on the not so good ones. Pray to God for guidance.

What is your financial status. Are you a spendthrift? Or do you have savings and investment. Are you in any form of debt? If so make a plan to clear your debt today. You should not be a liability but should be an asset to your man.

Stop keeping things off like investing, buying shares, a car or a house till you meet Mr Right. I know in Nigeria and many African countries it is frowned upon but your Mr Right will not be intimidated by who you are or what you have. It might actually help you separate the wheat from the weed. Make a choice to live your life to the fullest.

Can you make informed decisions and stick by them? Do u depend on others- parents, friends, family etc to make important decisions that concern your life. If so you need to get to a point where you can make your own decisions and accept the consequences no matter what. Marriage is between one man and one woman and they need to be able to make their decisions without involving external parties.

Do you have any emotional baggage you are still carrying around? If you are still hung up on your past relationships it is very likely that you will carry the hurt or issues into your new relationship and your judgement will be clouded. To have a fulfilled future, you need to let go of any past hurts or betrayal. Forgive and let the love of God fill your heart. Be lovable.

How is your spiritual and prayer life? Is your relationship with God growing? He should be number 1 in your life. You should enjoy being in his presence. Learn how to hear him speak to you so that you can discern when you meet Mr Right.

There will be many times in your marriage that you will need to intercede on behalf of your husband and children. Learn how to communicate with God now before the days of adversity and trials come along.

Are you keeping yourself pure for your Mr Right? Are you conducting your relationship with potential guys you meet in a respectful way that will glory God? Remember your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit

Above all remember that God makes all things beautiful in his time. Just because Mr Right has not found you yet does not mean God is not working behind the scenes. He is probably getting Mr Right ready just for you! Keep trusting.

On a personal note, I always wanted to get married at the age of 24. I just felt that was an ideal age to get married but God’s plan for me was to get married much much much later than I expected. In retrospect, I am thankful my "grand" plan did not work out. Why? Because at 24, I was immature & selfish to enter into marriage. My life was just not ready to handle marriage. I needed to sort out my emotional baggage, anger issues etc before meeting Mr Right. I am glad I aligned myself to God’s timing, while getting myself ready for my man.Next time, we shall be looking at some ways to recognise Mr Right and not settle for less.

This list is not exhaustive; please feel free to share other key points with us.

Thank you.


Recommended Reading:
Blog by Rita- Preparing for your King

A love worth waiting for- http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/1999/sepoct/9w5098.html?start=1

Recipe for Love

I was inspired by a friend sometime last year to write this post. I have added and subtracted a few things here and there. Some of you might have read it on my other blog or not but I thought it might be a good read here, so here goes:

I asked if my friend had a girlfriend and he said yes. I asked because he was making me laugh a lot, very funny guy, anyway I told him I’m sure his girlfriend has a great time with him because he'll be making her laugh a lot. And then he said it is possible he makes other people laugh and no matter how much clowning he does, if his girlfriend is not happy with him, she is not. Sadly, this is true for a lot of people, they can converse freely with other people, laugh with them but their relationships with their partners are going awry or lacking spice. How many times have relationships ended because of these reasons: "we have fallen out of love", "he doesn’t appreciate me", "she doesn’t respect me" etc. You can add some of your own personal phrases if you like.

I think I might know some ingredients for a loving and lasting relationship. I haven't been at this long enough i know, i only got married 2 years and 3 months ago (can you imagine, I originally wrote this when we had been married six months) but i was in a relationship that lasted 6 years and ended in marriage to my wonderful husband. There are principles which do not change over time and i'd like to share them.

Here are some tips i think are important for a wonderful and loving relationship:

* Laugh together - Laugh at yourselves, there are things that happen everyday that we can choose to laugh about. Joke about your mistakes, don't be touchy...Just look enough you will see reasons to laugh.

* Avoid criticism- You really don't have to mention everything that goes wrong, criticism kills a relationship. Find loving ways to communicate correction (note I said correction not criticism). Human beings generally do not like being corrected, the only way it's palatable is when we're sure the other person is looking out for our interest and is not proving superior.

*Pray together- An old saying goes "a family that prays together stays together", i guess that says it all.

*Give gifts- "You can give without loving, you cannot love without giving". Your gifts don't need to be expensive; the thought does it for most people especially if you're like me. The past few days, hubby has been coming home from work with things he knows I’ll like, they’re not big things but they go a long way in saying ‘I was thinking about you’.

*Spice it up- Don't be dry, find interesting things to do with each other and share some interests. Your own interest might be watching movies together, do it as often as you can, it might be swimming, just think of anything you can do together for fun. Don’t get too old for fun!

*Respect- Respect, i beg to differ is not domination!! Respect according to the dictionary in simple terms is the condition of being esteemed or honored. The other person wants to feel like you value them. Show some respect. If you're married, don't invite guests over without notifying your spouse, it shows a sign of disrespect. The first time some people hear of something going on with their partner is when their friends say it to their hearing. Show some respect for each other! Always ask yourself before doing something, will it honour or show esteem for my partner? And women, massage the guy's ego. Every man likes to feel he's in charge, i know it's hard in these days of "girl power" but hey, what's most important to you: emancipation or a loving lasting relationship?

*Be open- Don't keep secrets. Try to be each other's best friends. It might be hard initially but it will get easier as you practise this and go a long way in making a wonderful relationship.

*Be committed- Falling in love is a wonderful feeling, a euphoric feeling which you want to have forever. You catch the guy's eyes on the other side of the room and current passes all over your body...girl believe me, this only lasts so much time! The reason most people claim to have fallen out of love is they they think love is that gooey feeling. I'm not saying the feeling will not be there but sometimes you won't have it...Love is most importantly a commitment!

These are a few tips, i could go on and on but they will all revolve around these few theories i guess. Most importantly, the bible teaches us a lot about love and if you're interested you can model 1Cor 13 :4-7 in your relationship, you will never have to fall out of love if you follow the principles stated there. This portion of scriptures says:
Love is patient, love is kind.It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Just ponder on those verses, do you think that with them you could ever go wrong in love? I sincerely doubt.

Falling in love is a wonderful thing, being in love is great and staying in love is awesome! It's like old wine, it gets better with the years.
I'm grateful i found love and i thank God for giving me a husband who teaches me to love daily. To those of you who are still looking for love, i pray you find it and if you have found it, i pray for the grace to hold on to it and be able to stay in it.

Is Submission Slavery?

'Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them'
Col 3:18,19 (NKJV)

'Submitting to one another in the fear of God, Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her..'

'Ephesians 5:21-25 (NKJV)

Someone recently spoke to me about submission and hinted that we do a post on it so this post is a result of a bit of research and some head knowledge. Submission is a word that a lot of women frown at, and most people shy from or cringe when they hear it. By God's grace, it's not a word i have any problem with mainly because i understand it from the biblical point of view.

What is submission? Maybe we should start from what submission is not.

1. Submission is not a man lording it over a woman

2. Submission is not deffering to every man.

3. Submission is not demanded

4. Submission is not slavery

5. Submission is not the same as docility

There are lot many things that submission isn't but the above captures the totality of it

So what is (biblical based) submission? In my own words, i would say it is a deliberate yielding of oneself to another person. It is realising that in quietness is your strength as a woman. When you see a woman that appears to be meek, trust me

, she has the key to her husband's heart and sometimes people mistake this for the man being controlled by his wife. Submission is a wife putting herself under her husband not by compulsion but willingly.

I've heard a lot of men say women are to submit to us. I beg to differ and i usually take those men up on it. No sir, not every woman is to submit to you, only your wife is to submit to you, i don't go about deferring to every man. The bible says women should submit to their 'own husbands'. Period! And the man doesn't even have the right to demand it.

Firstly, the bible encourages that the man and woman both submit to each other. You should serve each other and defer to each other on matters and then the bible demands that the woman submit to the man. The man is the head of the woman as Christ is the head of the church. If you ask me, a man has more responsibility in the whole submission triangle. The woman submits to the man, the man submits to God and the man also has the responsibility to love his wife as Christ loved his church. How? He gave himself for it. The bible tells the man to be selfless in his love for his wife.

While a woman needs to be loved, cherished and pampered, for most men, respect is the most important thing. God knew what he was saying when he told women to submit and the men to love their wives. Submission is knowing what you want to do but waiting for your husband to agree before doing it. Submission is going to God in prayer to change your husband's heart regarding matters even when you know you're right. When a woman tries to prove her own point all the time in marriage, it brings unnecessary friction. The man's ego is wounded and he starts to fail in his command to love his wife selflessly.

You might say i'm an intelligent human being and i know what is right from wrong. Infact, most times we women by our God given intuition can tell when a move is not right or a man is going to make a mistake but it is not right to always want to prove a point and rub it in their face. Wise women would take a sensitive matter to God in prayer before attempting to discuss with their husbands. This is not because the man is stubborn or won't listen but prayer just wets the ground and allows the point to make sense to him and not to sound like questioning his authority.

Let me give an example at this point. Mrs A would like to go on a vacation at a certain time. She has everything she needs to do it, all she needs is her husband's permission. Let's say Mr A decides for some very good reasons that his wife cannot go for on the vacation at that ti

me, what should she do? Should she decide against her husband's wish to go or should she defer to him? This is my answer. A wise Mrs A will know that having a loving marriage with her husband is more important that going on a vacation. It is not a decision that will hurt her, so she can forego it. Yes, she has plans already and they are good but she has to be in agreement with her husband before she goes ahead. A wise Mrs A will go to God in prayer to touch her husband's heart. God works on people's hearts and for all you know, God might be saving Mrs A from trouble is why her husband is refusing to give her permission. We have to be able to let go of our hard headedness and let God.

If it is important to you to have a good marriage as a woman, then you have to learn the art of submission. It is quiet strength, it's knowing when to talk and when to keep quiet. It is asking for your husband's advice and blessing even when you know what you want to do.

Submission has a lot of benefits. Here are a few

1. Your husband will love you. Yes, love is a given in any successful marriage but it takes work to keep the flame of love alive. Notice God asked the wife to submit before telling the husband to love his wife, it's a chain reaction.

2. You avoid unnecessary friction in your relationship

3. Your home is filled with peace and a welcoming atmosphere

4. You get more out of your husband and your marriage.

5. You get a sense of inner peace, knowing that you and your husband are in one accord

You can say i'm still single, what does submission have to do with me? A lot. No i'm not telling you to start deferring to guys everywhere. Remember, i already established that only a wife is commanded to submit to her husband. You will one day get married and your mind has to be prepared for it. You have to plant the right seeds in yourself and know that the word submission is not a sentence to a life of absolute subjugation and not having your own voice. If you're in a 'serious' relationship, you can start to practice submission steps. NNo, don't let your fiance control your life because he doesn't even have the right to when you're married but in little matters, you can make sure you get his consent. but in little matters, you can make sure you get his consent.

Is it sometimes tough? Yes, but with God's help, we can do it and the dividends are far greater than the seeming demerits. Infact eventually, you get to a place where neither of you can make a decision without the other.

God is a God of order and He has

made the man the head of his wife for very good reasons. Imagine a situation where there are two heads of state in a country, won't it be a state of absolute confusion? May God give us the grace to understand and to do.

I hope i have women in the house who will use their quiet strength and submit...Amen!

Ps: Sorry guys, we took a bit of time to update, we've both been very busy but we will try to at least update once every week.

Note: Pls note that i do not mean your husband has the right to control you when i wrote ''No, don't let your fiance control your life because he doesn't even have the right to until you're married''...i meant to write even when you're married! So i have changed that part...apologies if that part offended anyone!