My best friend is getting married to Mr Wrong- What do I do?

Hi friends,

We hope you are doing well?

Please read below. Please can you advise Tara on what to do concerning her best friend? 

Thanks

Aloted

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 I am 30 years old and I have been married for two years and I have a son. My bestie is the same age as me but isn’t married. We are both Christians.

source: google images

She has dated a few men but it didn’t work out. Her last relationship ended in heart break. She met this man a few months ago and they are already talking marriage. Personally I don’t think this man is good enough for her. I think she is settling for less. Growing up we both had a list for marriage- “must have” and “can’t stand”. We said we would never marry someone who has any of our “can’t stand” characteristics. This man has at least three of her “can’t stand” features! He is not born again (yes he goes to church but I know he isn’t), he smokes socially when with friends (or so he says) and he has been married before with two kids.

I have tried to remind my friend about our lists but she was like that was when we were young and in fairytale land. This is reality and time is ticking. She says the guy loves her (and has a lot of her must have features) and compared to the other guys she has dated even Christians he has been honest with her about himself.

I am shocked my friend is saying all these; I am not even sure about her spiritual life anymore. I think she is angry with God over her past failed relationships. I asked if she is ready to be a step mum and be involved in his former wife’s drama. She said the former wife and children live abroad and won’t be part of their lives. That she is a big girl and can handle it. She doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

I am scared my friend is making the wrong choice out of desperation. I love her and don’t want to see her hurt. But I am happily married with a child and she once said jokingly don’t I want her to join me in married life so we can swap stories. Of course I want her to be married but to the right man. Gosh! That is so not what marriage is about- swapping stories.

How do I get through to my friend? Her parents are late and she is the eldest of her siblings. This guy is rich and has promised to take care of her and her siblings.

Do you think I am over reacting? I don’t want to lose my best friend over this man but I am very worried for her.

Please what do I do?  Thank you

Tara.

Know Yourself Before You Get Married

"Can two walk together except they agree?" Amos 3.3

source: google images

Knowing yourself is a prerequisite to knowing WHO to marry. When you are truly aware of who you are it will be hard for you to marry Mr. Wrong. 


Knowing yourself helps you know your value and your worth. That way you would not sell yourself short. It will be easy to separate the weed from the chaff (yes we are talking about men)


Getting married shouldn’t be based on sentiments, pity or lofty emotions. In fact I almost see choosing a life partner as a form of business transaction.

Some areas to know about yourself include:


Your Strengths


God has given every single person strengths and abilities. What are you excellent at? What do you do flawlessly? Note them down; if you are not sure ask your friends and family.


In a successful marriage your strengths should complement your partner’s weaknesses e.g. you are good with excel spreadsheets and keeping account of your finances. This will be a great benefit to a man who loves to spend but needs someone to balance the accounts.



Your Weaknesses

These are areas you are struggling with or working on. It does not make sense to marry someone who has similar weaknesses to you. You are heading for doom.

I once dated a guy who was very short tempered. I on the other hand can be hot tempered and quick to vent when I am angry (ya ,ya I am improving, marriage is teaching me! Thanks for your concern..lol).

I saw him angry on a few occasions and let’s just say it was never a pleasant sight. He was a good man and ticked a lot of boxes. However recognising my own weakness, I knew it would be suicidal to marry him. I bowed out as fast as I could.

If you are like me, you want to marry a man that compliments your hot temperedness. Someone who is patient and calm, who can douse your anger when it raises its ugly head.


Can you tell by now I have a calm husband?



Your Passions

What are you passionate about? What gets you going? What keeps you alive and fulfilled? This is another key area you cannot compromise on.

If your intended is not thrilled about your passion or his passion will not make room for you to follow your passion, then think twice before signing the dotted line.

Marriage should benefit both parties not just the man.

You don’t have to be passionate about the same things but the key is in knowing if the man you want to marry will support your passion and not hinder you from fulfilling it.



Your Purpose

This is similar to your passion but is of a higher nature. Your purpose is bigger than you. What is your purpose in life? What is your vision? Will marrying this guy kill your purpose or make it come to live.


What is the man’s vision? Do you see yourself being a part of his vision?


Does he even have a vision? If he doesn’t, um how are you going to help him?Remember a key role of the wife is to be a help-meet to the husband, so he has to have something you are helping him with, right?


When you get married your destiny is tied to the person you marry FOREVER. A lot of marriages are in trouble today because the man and wife have separate visions and there is no common ground. This drives them further apart and before you know it there is resentment and unfufillment in the marriage. Infidelity and Divorce lurk quietly around the corner.

This will not be your story but you have to do the work BEFORE marriage. Invest in knowing yourself and any man that wants to marry you. It will make identifying Mr Right easier.

God has given you wisdom; use it when choosing your life partner.

Marriage is hard work enough; don’t make your life and future any more complicated by marrying someone you are not compatible with. 

Singles- do you think it is important to know who you are and if you are compartible with someone before marriage?


Married folks- was compartibility a determining factor in choosing your spouse or not?  

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Recognising Red flags in a relationship

The soulsistas are back!!! Apologies for the radio silence but I think we are back :)

A while back we looked at what to do while waiting for Mr Right. I mentioned on that post that we will cover some ways to recognise Mr Right and not settle for less. however, I have modified today's post slightly to show how to recognise "Mr Wrong" by identifying some red flags to look out for in a relationship.



Many women who are married today and have marital issues most likely saw some red flags before they got married. They either chose to ignore the signs, think they could change the man or believed “love” will conquer all. The period of Dating/courtship is a prelude to what will happen in marriage so expecting that a man will change for the better after marriage is like expecting a leopard to change its spots because it moved to a new zoo.

I know some people pretend to be what they are not during dating/courtship however I believe as a child of God, he will show you signs to look out for. Besides, people- Christians or not reveal their true character when under pressure.

Dating is not the time to be kissing, smooching and sexing but the time to shine your eyes and watch out for any red flags that might later on impact your marriage. When you are busy having sex, it is harder to identify the signs.

Red flags are indication that something is wrong in your relationship and either needs addressing or an evaluation of whether the relationship should continue or not. Of course no one is perfect but it is your prerogative to decide if you can commit to your partner with their flaws. Remember marriage is a commitment. If you cannot tolerate a behaviour before marriage don’t delude yourself and expect it to change after marriage. It would most likely only get worse because at this point all the chasing and wooing has been done, the contract signed hence both parties are free to be their real selves.

Red flags include lying, distrust, laziness, inability to hold a job, and irresponsibility. Others include complaining, fault-finding, whining, clinging to parents, inability to make critical decisions, and lack of self-esteem. Some of these red flags can be addressed and worked through depending on the people involved and tolerance level. However some red flags that should not be disregarded or ignored include violence, uncontrolled anger & rage, physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, drinking and drug abuse, gambling, or infidelities. My candid advice is if you see any of these signs RUN. All these signs have to do with the person’s character (also the earlier stated ones) which is usually hard to change. It is possible with the help of the HolySpirit but challenging. You do not have to wait till you are the object of abuse before you know there is a problem. Observe how he treats his mum, sisters and other friends. Soon he will be treating you the same way.

The earlier you recognise the red flags, the earlier you can assess how serious they are and determine the next step to take about the relationship. Always remember that a broken relationship/engagement is far better than a broken marriage. It is wiser to call off the relationship when you can then enter marriage and regret it for the rest of your life. Marriage as a Christian is for life so shine your eyes and do your due diligence before you sign the dotted lines.








Image Source: Wikipedia Commons