Followers

"There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage." ~Martin Luther

Friday 22 May 2009

Let's talk about SEX

So we all know what this means and i definitely don't need to give a definition. This is one topic that is mostly talked about and also mostly 'shyed' away from. In some churches, the mere mention of the word sex makes you a sinner. Sex is a spiritual act, a connection between two souls that should not be trivialised and should be celebrated.

Sex as originally designed by God is supposed to be an act between a man and a woman, not just any man and woman but a man and woman joined together in marriage. I'm aware that this is contrary to popular belief but sex as ordained by God i reiterate is an act designed to be between to married people, a man and a woman. It's sad to see how such a holy act has been 'bastardised'.

In Genesis, God gave Eve to Adam as a help meet for him, they were naked with each other and not ashamed. Eve had become Adam's wife after God fashioned her out of him and they were naked with each other! The bible says in Genesis 2: 23-25

'And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed'.
Please note it says here a man shall cleave to his wife, not his girl friend, not his friends with benefit, not his friend, not his sister, not his fiancee, his WIFE.

The temptation to have premarital sex is so great, it takes the grace of God to say NO and be able to stand by it. I'm aware some people can do it by mere determination but for us lesser humans, we need to rely solely on the grace of God. Our minds are bombarded every hour of the day by sexual innuendos, some even very direct. Everywhere you turn, it's the sex talk. It's definitely not easy to say no. The philosophy creeping around 'if it feels good then it's right' also doesn't help matters. Lord knows sex gives a very good feeling, on the basis of that philosophy, then sex in any form is right, right? Wrong! Remember, we're making the bible our base and i just established the bible says sex is between a man and his wife or if you prefer a woman and her husband...

Now that we established that sex is between a married couple,I'm sure you're wondering so what should i do with all these temptations! For the unmarried ladies, there are so many fine brothas out there, in fact they wouldn't even date you if they found out you were celibate and for the guys, Lord knows the babes are revealing more and more cleavage these days! What's a brother to do? Well, a sister is to keep her values and a brother's to marry or keep himself. It's tough I know and like i said we need GRACE. But trust me, I've been there.

What qualifies me to write this? I'm married and all and do i even know what single people go through? Well, I was in a relationship with the Mr over 6 years before we tied the knot and although celibacy was a mutual decision since we base our lives on the word, we had our temptations and challenges. I'm glad to say we waited though, so I know I qualify to say Ring on before you let him in or if you're a guy, you both have to have given her that ring before you can ask her for sex.

I'll give some reasons why i totally support abstinence and why i think it's a good idea for anyone to wait for marriage.
1. As a Christian, you have a clear conscience towards God. God has said not to do it, what better reason not to do it. You can approach God with peace in your heart. We all know what weight it feels like when you know you shouldn't do something and you keep doing it.

2. Respect. you get to respect yourself as an individual and also the other person. You know that the other person is not only looking to get under your clothes. The fact that they respect you helps them to keep their hands off.

3. No emotional baggage: Sex is a spiritual thing. It is a fusion of two souls, a transference of spirit takes place when you have sex. Whether you have it with one guy or more, why become one with someone you're not married to? How many people are you going to be one with?

4. Trust and discipline. When you eventually marry, you're able to trust that guy or that woman more. If he can't keep his hands off you before marriage, how do you know he can keep his hands off other ladies after he's married to you? If he showed some discipline with you before marriage, he'll most likely be disciplined enough to keep his hands off other girls that tempt him after marriage. Trust me, the temptation doesn't end in marriage.

5. A clear sense of judgement. When you have sex with someone especially when you enjoy it, you have the tendency to overlook their faults no matter how major. This way you can end up marrying someone you shouldn't or wouldn't have married under clear circumstances. Sex gives you a soul tie to someone.

6. You enter marriage with realistic expectations. When you haven't had other sexual partners, it's hard to compare your partner to anyone. You get to understand how to please each other and not think like oh no, B was better in this sense.

7. You get to know the 'real' each other. Most people have bad marriages because the time they should have spent discovering each other, their likes and dislikes, they spend in bed. Spend that time outdoors instead of behind closed doors.

8. When you abstain from premarital sex, you don't have to worry about pregnancy and even sexually transmitted diseases.

I could think of a lot of other reasons but I think this captures the essence of everything.
This post is only a foundation to the Sex talks series, in my next post, I'll be talking about how to abstain from sex and also if you have any questions, you can leave them in the comment box or send a mail to our mail address and they will be tackled in the next post. If you don't want us to mention names, we won't!

Have a blessed weekend! Remember abstinence is possible!

Recommended reading: http://www.premaritalsex.info/

43 comments:

  1. Abstinence is definitely possible! Thank you for sharing your views on abstinence from the biblical point of view.

    I particularly like reasons 5 and 6 for abstaining — it makes sense but isn't necessarily something that I considered when choosing abstinence.

    ReplyDelete
  2. yay, you Ladies where gone for a while.

    Abstinence is possible and the reasons u listed are on point.

    ReplyDelete
  3. so last night, i had this make out session with sunshine and lets just say that it was a disaster

    not because we almost had sex because in our relationship sex has never been an issue, both of us our virgins (yeah wierd at 25 and 27) but it's all the other stuff that comes before.

    you are right that sex is a no no before marriage but as single people there are million other things that can go on with/without the lights us that prove disastrous.

    so yeah as i was saying last night,
    Y
    cuz try as we might as u said it is a spiritual act and we both couldn't check our minds at the door so i think when it comes to keeping your legs closed it all starts in the mind, i had already fast forwarded to the recrimniations and guilt so it was just blah and after about 10 miinutes of trying we were just like okay i'm not really feeling anything so we just called it's quits


    okay
    i should stop putting all my business on blogger
    but yeah it starts in the mind and once we let our mind to get comfortable with the idea of sin the slippery slope gets banana peels and ...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nice, begining to think u girls have gone awol!

    good topic, over flogged too but cant be over emphasised.

    no matter how 21st century we like to think the world is, sex before marriage is wrong.
    God help us!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Number 6,-REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS. this is a very good reason to put a ring on it, before anything , both of you will be able to grow together sexually in marriage.

    This shd be stressed, I learnt this a long time ago, and I'm glad its paying off now, cos we are learning and growing together.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ah..nice one..can i just add to the cleavage bit...i'm sori but everybody dresses like its part of the dressing..or ...
    ur points were on point..
    @ kafo..at 25 27..not wierd..but in this world we live it's wierd ..so you can say..it's wierd..:)..be good still..
    ..pls lets hear the next post...
    thanks..

    ReplyDelete
  7. @kafo...celibacy is nt only about not having sex..it also involves not making out too.yes no kissing,no touching and all the other things that come with it.
    I'm a virgin but not 4 religious reasons even though i wld like to think it is.....thing is i'm just not ready 4 all the baggage that comes with it however i do other stuff nd that puts me in the same position as people having pre marital sex,what annoys me about all this "christians" that claim not to be having sex for religious reasons is that they engage in other activities*cough cough*,whatever worth doing at all is worth doing well.If ur gonna be abstinent then do it well.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Very well written Writefreak (is that a pun?)

    Whilst Juiceegal has a point about celibacy going beyond just having sex (Jesus raised the bar when he elevated looking lustfully to the same level as the physical act), I think the point of Kafo sharing her story is that working off the same worldview allows both parties reach mutually inclusive conclusions which in this instance were for the better..

    Generalizing, about christians" that claim not to be having sex for religious reasons, whilst engaging in other activities seems like going against the honest open dialogue that I think the 'confession' could promote...

    If I may quote Leo Tolstoy -
    If I know the way home and am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because I am staggering from side to side?

    ReplyDelete
  9. @aka bagucci: i applaud kafo's honesty and the fact that she and her boyfriend are trying to abstain from sex until marriage and my statement was not directed at her maliciously...however all im trying to say is that if people r gonna go the abstinence route then they might as well do it well cuz picking and mixing the acts in which they can engage in and the one they can't engage in isnt gonna get them a free pass to heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  10. im so glad u guys are back. This is such a huge topic that has so many parts to it. Ive been on both celibate relationships and sex-based and i know the huge difference. Abstinence is definitely the way to go. There are temptations and its only by the grace of God who gives strength. I agree wit some comments above that it starts from the mind and i pray God continues to help us

    ReplyDelete
  11. miss juicee gal so u think because you have not been involved in "picking and mixing the acts in which you can engage in and the ones you can't" you have gotten a free pass to heaven?? please lets not take it there and try to be the judge on whats right and wrong..each to his own according to his/her own strength/understanding

    I've heard the no sex before marriage talk like a zillion times but somehow you guys mangae to give it more sense in a pratical way n not just in a "don't do it cuz it's a sin" way especially on point 4,5 and 6.
    May God help us

    ReplyDelete
  12. @Tiwa: if u read my previous comments properly i stated that "I'm a virgin but not 4 religious reasons even though i wld like to think it is.....thing is i'm just not ready 4 all the baggage that comes with it however i do other stuff nd that puts me in the same position as people having pre marital sex"
    So please i suggest u get ur facts right before coming on here,who am i to judge pple,that wsnt my intention,all im sayng is that if pple are gonna go the celibate route then they should go the whole length,they shldnt mix and match,cuz d fact that u are nt having penetrative sex yet u involve in other activities like kissing and touching puts you in the same boat as those having pre marital sex.

    ReplyDelete
  13. GNG: I'm glad you have chosen abstinence my friend and that u were able to see a different perspective to ur choice..mwah
    Jayla:thanks love, don't mind us, we just both have a lot on our plates. We'll try to be more consistent. glad you saw sense in the post
    Kafo: trust me 25 isn't too old to be a virgin..I would know, I have friends who are over 30 and are still virging. I appreciate your openness. I would say you and your bf shld try and engage in activities that won't leave you behind closed doors, that way, you won't be susceptible to temptation...trying to eat the cake and not have it always leads to frustration and a sense of guilt. If you've chosen abstinence like you have, then I would say you have to trust God and determine to keep your hands off each other. I'm not saying you won't be tempted, you will, you might fall some times but when you go to God and let Him know your frustrations, He has a way of supplying you with grace that you didn't think was possible. Well done darling!

    Omotee: we're back for real..sorry we ran off..lol..well some issues can't be overemphasised and I honestly don't think its overflogged...it definitely is wrong and I pray God helps every single to understand that!

    Downtheaisle- way to go sis! Isn't it just beautiful?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Simeone: trust me, on the cleavage one, I pity the brothas..sometimes when I want to buy clothes these days I wonder if there's any clothing left for those that aren't interested in showing..lol..we'll definitely have the next post!

    Juicegal: I definitely agree that abstinence means not even trying ..I understand though that atimes people fall into temptation. This is def not a reason to wilfully sin, I'm just saying sometimes pple fall and have to rise up. I would think its a huge problem when a xtian decides it's ok to do every other thing except the penetration! This sadly is the case with a lot of xtians these days.

    DB: I definitely can't stress the importance of working from the same worldview enough! Open and honest communication is definitely important and it's ok to admit that one is having struggles in this area. In my opinion someone like Kafo is worthy of emulation cos she's saying I know I'm human and I have struggles. Being xtians doesn't make us less human, it only means we're supernatural beings who sometimes let our human nature take over!

    Funms: my dear, I'm so glad you've chosen abstinence. And I'm usually comforted by the fact that where our natural strength trusts is when His grace takes over! His grace is and will be sufficient for you dear.

    Tiwa: I'm glad we were able to shed more light on it. Yes God will definitely help us.

    All: I would appreciate if we didn't get personal with each other. Each person as a right to express their view and we will address each comment and try to give the right answers.I know this is a very sensitive topic. Thanks so much!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Simeone: trust me, on the cleavage one, I pity the brothas..sometimes when I want to buy clothes these days I wonder if there's any clothing left for those that aren't interested in showing..lol..we'll definitely have the next post!

    Juicegal: I definitely agree that abstinence means not even trying ..I understand though that atimes people fall into temptation. This is def not a reason to wilfully sin, I'm just saying sometimes pple fall and have to rise up. I would think its a huge problem when a xtian decides it's ok to do every other thing except the penetration! This sadly is the case with a lot of xtians these days.

    DB: I definitely can't stress the importance of working from the same worldview enough! Open and honest communication is definitely important and it's ok to admit that one is having struggles in this area. In my opinion someone like Kafo is worthy of emulation cos she's saying I know I'm human and I have struggles. Being xtians doesn't make us less human, it only means we're supernatural beings who sometimes let our human nature take over!

    Funms: my dear, I'm so glad you've chosen abstinence. And I'm usually comforted by the fact that where our natural strength trusts is when His grace takes over! His grace is and will be sufficient for you dear.

    Tiwa: I'm glad we were able to shed more light on it. Yes God will definitely help us.

    All: I would appreciate if we didn't get personal with each other. Each person as a right to express their view and we will address each comment and try to give the right answers.I know this is a very sensitive topic. Thanks so much!

    ReplyDelete
  16. DB: by the way, I love that post from Tolstoy! Nice one!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I enjoyed reading the post so much. The only thing I wished you mentioned was what happens if a person has had premarital sex and then decides to abstain. Reading the post I felt like if you had had premarital sex then u r done for.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Tairebaba: Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you enjoyed the post. I did say this was an introductory post and i honestly don't think anyone who has had premarital sex and not chosen to abstain is 'done for' as you put it.
    It's a commendable thing if one decides to abstain even after having had premarital sex. After all, if you ask God for forgiveness and make a commitment to not go that way anymore, in His sight, it's like you never did!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hello! My first comment....loved this post! I hope you mention masturbation as a means to or not to help in abstaining from sex. I am interested in that perspective when you get to it.

    I love the quote from BaGucci about staggering home but still being on the right path. Openmind people allow others to admit their own shortcomings without judgement. I had premarital sex and attempting to abstain which has been hard. Not impossible.

    Look forward to reading more :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hello! My first comment....loved this post! I hope you mention masturbation as a means to or not to help in abstaining from sex. I am interested in that perspective when you get to it.

    I love the quote from BaGucci about staggering home but still being on the right path. Openmind people allow others to admit their own shortcomings without judgement. I had premarital sex and attempting to abstain which has been hard. Not impossible.

    Look forward to reading more :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. abstinence is very possible but sometimes it gets so hard to...but well i hope ill fit to hold on.lol

    ReplyDelete
  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hmmn @ no 6 it may not work out like that all the time o..what if one of the partner now wants to test other waters since he/she didnt do it b4 marriage?

    Also, where do you categorize masturbation?

    ReplyDelete
  24. from32b: thanks for stopping by...a real pleasure. Masturbation according to doctors is not wrong and is even supposed to be good for the health but i speak as a xtian and nowhere in the bible have i seen that self sex is encouraged. I believe it is an abuse of what is meant to be between two people, a man and a woman. Self sex is a means of gratification, why wait if you want to gratify yourself? I also would like to say people ask about masturbation and ask if it is a sin, why don't people ever ask if sex between two married people is wrong? Just thinking...sex according to God's standards is between a man and a woman.
    I believe a lot of times, us xtians know some things are not right but we still want to be 'vindicated' and have good reasons for doing those things.
    The bible says in 1 Corinthians 6:19
    'What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?'
    Masturbation seems a case of wanting to eat one's cake and have it. It's a means of gratifying one's flesh and can we also mention the thoughts that go along with it? WHat sort of thoughts are they?
    Abstaining is possible by His Grace...it's not by power nor by might but by the Spirit of God.

    leggy: girl you have to hold on...ask God for the grace to do it! It pays

    NoLimit: Thanks dearie..

    pink-satin: I've read a lot of things, statistics even shows it that people who didn't have premarital sex or multiple partners are less likely to cheat on their partners in marriage. Also note that most people who wait are christians who have a godly reverence and know the consequences of being adulterous. If you haven't eaten something before, you can't develop a craving for it!
    I'm aware that it might happen, but it isn't often the case.
    Please read my comment to 32b up, i answered the masturbation question.

    ReplyDelete
  25. i love this site!
    Abstinence is hard
    I have often wondered about masturbation too and i guess it is wrong!What if your wife/husband likes you to do it in front of him/her is it wrong?

    ReplyDelete
  26. GeekGirl: thanks a bunch for stopping by.
    I would say although what a married couple do in their sex life is private and is their business, i believe it is perversion when your partner asks you to touch yourself while they watch...then the sexual pleasure is being gotten from the fantasy and not from the sexual act itself.
    That's my take

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh well,i have been reading this post and felt not qualified to leave a comment but am tempted by the fact that u will reply my comment so here i go.......
    You have written well and one of the things i appreciate the most is that u are speaking from the "in my experience" point of view,guess it was one of the reasons i loved Pastor Bimbo that much.
    If u never abstained and became born again then got married,I'll suggest u choose another topic to preach on NOT abstinence!!!!i just never listen to pips like that..............My personal opinion oh,not a written rule!!

    ReplyDelete
  28. unfortunately people have premarital sex and will continue to do so, it is wrong though. so many of us still struggle with the fact that sex hardly satisfies. U want have more and more and more...

    ReplyDelete
  29. Yes, abstinence is possible. IM A GUY, and it is by choice , not putting myself in situations that would make that choice difficult.

    This includes avoiding getting too close to a woman that i know has opposite views on that and so much more

    Please check my views out on

    www.livindagodkulture.wordpress.com

    This is a great post, many young people need to see this and a lot of the Christian youth that have adopted a worldly attitude towards sex and relationships

    God bless you for writing this.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Abstinence is possible

    i bet if we were told that the minute we have sex before marriage, impending doom were to befall us, many people would loose the claim that "it's not possible" or "it just happened"

    Nothing just happens, we plan such things We are the ones that allow ourselves to be alone in a room where we can't be disturbed,

    Our clothes are not suddenly raptured ,leaving us in our "birthday suit".

    It all begins with the mind, and setting uncrossable barriers at the beginning of a relationship.

    No matter how modern or 21st century our we think we are, or the world claims to be. God has not changed his views or plans for sex, and if he has not changed his views on murder,stealing,idolatry what makes us think that pre marital sex is suddenly cool with him.

    Whatever the mind can conceive and believe , the mind can achieve

    ABSTINENCE WILL WORK FOR YOU, IF YOU CHOOSE IT TO WORK FOR YOU

    Nice one Soul Sistas

    ReplyDelete
  31. I know it does and when he or she can't wait, she's simply not the right one..

    ReplyDelete
  32. i want to know though..how you waited and another thing ive always wanted to know..its alright to kiss and touch a little right?

    ReplyDelete
  33. QMoney, the fact that one made mistakes doesn't mean you can't talk about what is right and even help people to learn from your mistakes

    deola: i agree...it's like eating the forbidden fruit..lol

    Thirty+: yes it is!

    livingdagodkulture: will definitely check out your spot, and yes one needs to know one's boundaries. thanks for the compliment

    oludascribe: i completely agree with you!

    Sweetnothing: i totally agree!

    leggy: yes we waited and it was by God's grace....to what end is the touching, why smell what you can't eat? hmmm?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Touching is ok now...:D
    I just get a bit scared to be honest when it starts to get a bit out of hand.Most people don't believe I'm a virgin cuz I'm 'wild' and 'carefree'.Kinda like that girl in that 'Wildchild' movie.When I tell them I am and they say it's a lie I say "Na you go marry me.Wetin be your own concern!"

    ReplyDelete
  35. It's very nice seeing young people talk about sex from this perspective. I think sex has been very overrated with a lot of hype given to the perceived pleasures derived from it, and not much being said about the pains when not handled legitimately.
    I pastor a church that has a lot of young people, and I have found out that abstinence cannot be legislated, but can be achieved when handled by interaction with the young people. This is not to say that illegitimate sex is only practised by young people.
    God bless you for your piece. I will recommend this blog to my young people.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Great post. One wonders about the stock of marriage possibilities when so many "christian brothers" ask/demand sex from their girlfriends or fiances. Well, God dey.
    Good answer on the masturbation issue. "Why wait if you can do it yourself?"

    Looking forward to reading more. Y'all need to update...

    ReplyDelete
  37. Very good post. Abstinence is certainly not easy. I have always wondered about where to draw the line. Also you are right, as ladies we need to trust in the lord and have faith 'cos so many men will run the minute you tell them that you are trying to wait till marriage.
    Spot on, the masturbation question sha. What thoughts is one thinking?

    Na only God go help us sha!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Ofcourse we will all agree! Yet we all know that deep down in our minds we are little pervs who want to have sex, cook, have kids and then some more sex!
    p.s. Question if you havn't had sex for like 4 years, technically, are you not a virgin?!@#

    ReplyDelete
  39. Cul blog u have! Check out my new blog> http://aka-alter.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  40. I loved this post. It's very reasonably written, not just dogma! I also read the comments, and some interesting points were raised, and answered. Very interesting! It's not just about whether it is a sin or not, it's about responsibility (knowing why you shouldn't).

    ReplyDelete

Please share your thoughts or questions with us