"There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage." ~Martin Luther

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Can SHE propose?

I’m conservative, old school, probably traditional and most importantly, I base my decisions on God’s word. As a result, I like to think it’s a man’s job to do the asking, it’s the woman’s part to do the answering. I know there might be exceptions to every rule and I’m not even saying this is a rule.

Let’s start from Genesis, God made Adam and then after He had made Adam and given him a job, He made him fall into a deep sleep. He then fashioned a woman out of him. Eve came and then Adam decided she was flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone and called her woman. We can infer that Adam proposed to Eve or well, acknowledged her as his woman.

Go forward a bit in the bible, Abraham told his servant to go and find a wife for his son Isaac among his own people (Gen 24:4). The servant went to Nahor and found Rebecca for Isaac. He then took her back to meet him in Canaan. He did the asking, the woman did the consenting. So many parts of the bible show us how the man asked for the woman’s hand in marriage. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord” Prov 18:22. Note it says HE.

I tend to think the man is the head of the home, even as the word of God says; ‘the man is the head of the woman...’ (in the context of their home) and if he is the leader, he should be bold enough to ask the woman to be his wife. He is the God ordained physical and spiritual leader and if the woman has to start leading before they are married, it might be pointers to the fact that he might find it hard to step up to his leadership roles in marriage. Also, if a woman pops the question out rightly, a man might feel pressured into making a lifetime commitment.

Of course, I think, a woman can give the man hints if the courtship seems be dragging and he is not making any moves towards marriage. A lady can bring up the topic and see what the man’s reaction is to it. Also if the relationship has a solid foundation, both parties should be open to discussing the issue of marriage. Proposals don’t necessarily have to be the traditional; man drops down on one knee, brings out a ring and asks the woman to marry him in the presence of others’.

In my case, my husband and I had agreed from the word go that we would get married. It was only a matter of ‘right timing’ and as we went along, he constantly reminded me that he wanted me to be his wife. At some point in our relationship, he bought me a ring to make it more formal. When we were going to get married, it was more of a discussion as we had agreed to get married and he had proposed to me way before this time.

It is not expressly written in the bible that a man must seek a woman's hand in marriage but several scriptures point to men making the proposal. Culture also appreciates men making the marriage move. In the old days, the man’s family would go to the woman’s to ask for the hand of the woman in marriage. In fact, in those days, the woman didn’t really have much of a say in whatever family her parents and extended family agree to give her in marriage to.

Having said all of the above, I  realise in life that there are any hard and fast rules really and no two relationships are the same. Nothing signifies that a marriage in which the woman did the asking will be problematic.

It would be nice to hear your opinions and contributions. Do you think a woman can or should pop the question? Is it right? Can it affect the relationship or marriage adversely? We look forward to hearing the thoughts of both our male and female readers. If we can get some real life examples, that would also be great.

Ps: It’s great to be back from my sabbatical. Hopefully I will be around here more often from now on.



  1. Well I do think the man should do the asking. Not necessarily from a religious angle but from the angle of "how we are structured" Men are built/engineered to protect and provide while women are built to nurture and care. For a man to protect and provide in a relationship (and this does not have to be financial) he needs to have a sense of leadership and in a marriage this starts even from proposal. The man needs to do the asking so that it affirms to him and to her that this is what he wants - this is the woman he wants to protect and provide for.

    I dont know if I am making sense but this is my two cents

    I have never believed in the "he is too shy to ask" theory - he simply doesnt want it enough... if he does he will ask, if he doesnt he doesnt want it....

  2. Men have been wired to be hunters. Religion or not. We may kid ourselves, but thats how it really is.
    Some morder women may argue this from now till the end, but men are hunters and thats how it will continue to be.

    The world has changed over time and some abnormal things have become normal, like a man not taking the leadership role he is supposed to take, which is very unfortunate. This has made the scale tip and some women do what is meant for the men.

    Oh well, its life sha.

  3. Personally, I think you take the sizzle out when you find a woman proposing to a man...most times, he will agree to save face, and that is the beginning of the end.

    ON the bright side, it works out sometimes!

  4. I have no issues with a woman proposing, I dont believe it is a right or wrong issue either and wont have a problem with a woman who proposes.

    Personally though, I wont feel comfortable proposing cos like i said on another blog (i think myne's) I'd feel like "if i have to propose them maybe you dont feel me that way".

  5. Glad to have you back, Writefreak. It's been a while. Well, regarding proposals, I totally agree with the points noted here. True, it is a man's duty to propose. However, a lot of men tend to drag their feet sometimes so yes, women should feel free to do a little prompting when the need arises.

  6. I believe a man should do the chasing, wooing n proposing! Am I asking for too much? I don't think so. Some things are just wired so and when we try to alter the natural pattern, it don't go down so well. True, some ladies have proposed n its been bliss........but here's my thinking, if a man cant take the lead to propose, when is he gonna wear the pants?

  7. I don't know if this is old school or not, but I sure know that there's a reason why the Bible says HE that finds a WIFE finds a good thing and obtains favour from the Lord. i.e. the man finds the wife...yes the woman may drop subtle hints like the case of Ruth but the finding/asking is the man's responsibility! And I dare say if he ain't asking after a while, "drop him like it's hot"!!!
    My perception of the whole thing changed when a friend of mind got dumped after NINE friggin years in a relationship.
    I guess what I'm saying is: definitely, it is the guy's duty to propose, but I will want to know where the relationship is headed from the get go!
    Used to think, it is a taboo to ask where the relationship is heading...but now...after that friend's experience, I have learnt not to even hesitate to ask...May we not be turned to chewing sticks! Amen

  8. Everything I want to say on this has been said. I agree with you. The man should chase, woo and propose. I mean, its his duty to 'FIND' the wife. Not the other way around. But these days, sisters are not smiling oh; u never know... haha

    - LDP


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