Hi friends,
We hope you are doing well?
Please read below. Please can you advise Tara on what to do concerning her best friend?
Thanks
Aloted
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I am 30 years old and I have been married
for two years and I have a son. My bestie is the same age as me but isn’t
married. We are both Christians.
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| source: google images |
She has dated a few men but it didn’t work
out. Her last relationship ended in heart break. She met this man a few months ago and they are already talking marriage.
Personally I don’t think this man is good enough for her. I think she is
settling for less. Growing up we both had a list for marriage- “must have” and
“can’t stand”. We said we would never marry someone who has any of our “can’t
stand” characteristics. This man has at least three of her “can’t stand”
features! He is not born again (yes he goes to church but I know he isn’t), he
smokes socially when with friends (or so he says) and he has been married
before with two kids.
I have tried to remind my friend about our
lists but she was like that was when we were young and in fairytale land. This
is reality and time is ticking. She says the guy loves her (and has a lot of her must have features) and compared to the
other guys she has dated even Christians he has been honest with her about
himself.
I am shocked my friend is saying all these;
I am not even sure about her spiritual life anymore. I think she is angry with
God over her past failed relationships. I asked if she is ready to be a step mum and be
involved in his former wife’s drama. She said the former wife and children live
abroad and won’t be part of their lives. That she is a big girl and can handle
it. She doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
I am scared my friend is making the wrong
choice out of desperation. I love her and don’t want to see her hurt. But I am
happily married with a child and she once said jokingly don’t I want her to
join me in married life so we can swap stories. Of course I want her to be
married but to the right man. Gosh! That is so not what marriage is about-
swapping stories.
How do I get through to my friend? Her
parents are late and she is the eldest of her siblings. This guy is rich and
has promised to take care of her and her siblings.
Do you think I am over reacting? I don’t
want to lose my best friend over this man but I am very worried for her.
Please what do I do? Thank you
Tara.
Hello.
ReplyDeleteIt is a beautiful thing that you are concern for your friend, this is what Christianity is in my opinion. I believe that you should first of all pray for your friend, our words alone can not change people, the desire has to come from within their own heart. Only God can show her in her heart how He feels about the relationship, I also believe that God can use you but with prayer. Marriage decisions should not be taking lightly like your friend seems to be doing because this will affect her future more than her past heart breaks has. I believe that during this time she might not realize it but she needs you to be there for her both spiritually and physically. Let the Holy Spirit guide you with your choice of words as you speak to her, only He can show her the truth.
In short, pray for her and allow the Holy Spirit to use your words to speak to her because in this type of situation it is easy for her to take your concerns as a threat to her own 'happiness'
P.S. I am not worthy to be giving this advice only Him through me
Honestly, when it comes to advising our loved ones, ESPECIALLY in matters of the heart, there’s a limit to what we can do. We can share our opinions, we can pray, we can remind them of their foundations, but that’s it, we can’t force them. At the end of the day, the decision is theirs and it’s our place to rejoice with them if it works out for their good, or help them through if shit hits the fan and they have to pick up the pieces.
ReplyDeleteYou've spoken with her, if you continue beating her over the head with the same words, you might end up destroying your friendship and what help would you be to her then? Pray for her, ask God to intervene and speak to her heart, and let it go. You've done what is most important, you've shared your feelings and your fears with her, it’s no longer up to you...(well, it really never was up to you from the start).
I never agreed with my friend’s hubby, cos he also proposed to someone else, same time he proposed to her (down to buying rings for the other lady and planning a wedding). She found out about this about a month to their already fixed wedding date and she still got married to him. I was furious, I felt she was selling herself short and setting herself up for a definite heartbreak. I was so mad I cried about it for days, even prayed that God would break off the relationship if it wasn't of Him.
Three years down the line and a baby after, they are still visibly in love with each other. I honestly still don’t trust him but most important to me is the fact that my friend is happy so I share her joy.
Sorry for my long response but I can so relate with this
hmmmm, I think Funmi puts it very well, there's not really much you can do but pray for her, as women we have a powerful mind and once it's set on something, only God can change it if wrong.
ReplyDeleteI have been in this situation before, in hindsight, I wished I handled it more sensitively, the friend concerned did marry her man and though we're not friends anymore, I've heard from mutual friends that she's having a tough time of it.
The other thing with women in this situation is the more you're against the relationship, the harder she will work at proving you wrong, so instead of seeing the man's flaws, she will concentrate her energy on proving that he's good for her.
If I found myself in this position again, I will not talk about it anymore once I've already made my concerns known but continue to pray that God open her eyes, if she does go ahead with the wedding, I'll be there for her, I think that's all one can do really or like me, you risk losing that friend and be unjustly accused of not being happy for her.
You have every right to be concerned for your friend!
ReplyDeleteI think many times, we Christians do things out of desperation and lack of patience. I think your friend needs to have a one on one time with God in prayer. She needs to speak out her feelings to God. Maybe she thinks her time is running out and must do something fast. In this life, we need patience for a lot of things. God may have something better for your friend, but might lose out because she wants something now!
The fact that her parents are late also has a big part to play in this. She feels as though she needs someone to take care of her and her siblings needs, and this guy is the right one to do so.
For one the guy goes to church and isn't really born-again and then he smokes. I think those two should keep your friend alert and in prayer. She should not settle for less and accept this guy because of his status or affluence.
You can do a lot of talking to her and trying to convince her, but without the intervention of God, much won't happen. Take everything to God in prayer and let Him have His way. Also, continue to remind your friend that God's delay is NOT denial. God is still at work.
All the best! :)
Sadly , i have been in this position, my friend had what i would have considered good enough marriage proposals and kept turning them down, she says i never dated them so i wouldn't know ( i agree) , anyway i who had a hard time with guys got married first ( shock) .. after my wedding, we kept swapping stories about who she was dating etc..long story short she settled for a guy who was not saved too, she had formerly complained to me about the fact that he was just a church goer and his temper. I hinted and hinted, eventually she said she was 31 and could not wait anymore that she had to start having children and that God would see her through she even accused me of not wanting her to enjoy what i was enjoying..ke? i had been married a year and a half and we had sudden financial challenges and i was not pregnant yet.. i told her life is unexpected, you need to have a man that believes the same as you by your side, i shared my own personal struggles with her, and advised her to wait for God..she got mad and yelled at me..she later apolologied and said she would go ahead that God was too slow..i could not believe what i was hearing...
ReplyDeleteythe comment was getting too long...after that day she was aloof and kept her distance from me, i prayed desperately and did everything to reach her she just shut me out..i became pregnant and tried to share that with her...she was just cold.The week before i left the country to have my child she sent me a text that she might be getting married that month,( me text?) i replied and said i wished her every happiness and she should let me know.i never heard anything again, so i assumed she didn't go ahead like i had prayed. When i came back to Naija , i called her and asked her how far. She said she had gotten married and since i didn't approve she didnt bother inviting me. I was so heart broken and asked her if she didn't think i wished for her to be happy she apologized for not inviting me and said i woudnt have been able to come anyway since i was out of the country ...that was almost seven years ago, our friendship is non existence now and i know she is barely holding on to the marriage, she still does not let me in, and worst of all she hasn't been able to get pregnant and the guy is giving her hell...i wish i could have done better, i don;t know what i could have done better really, because she was so obstinate and ultimately the decision was hers to make ...but i don't regret one thing though, i told her the truth in love like a true friend should, she didn't like it , but i am glad i did, every thing else God will work out i pray...
ReplyDeleteI think everyone has said it all, You can only pray for her.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, you guys have said it all.
ReplyDeleteIn my Nigerian mind, I'll say they (the juju people) have covered their eyes. As a child of God, I'll say she needs divine direction.
One thing I want to add to what you said about "I am not even sure about her spiritual life anymore" is this: Christians are always fighting emotional, spiritual, financial...battles. Even though it might not seem like a fight, it is! What what do we need: strength that is bigger than our challenges! This is what she needs.
Look at this as a test of your friend's faith. She is a Sarah and Abraham rolled into one. Thw waiting period is hard...settling for so-so is tempting, but do ask her why she thinks he is the best. Don't judge her, please. You can't do the changing but you can assist her to pass this test with an A+.
The advice has already been given! The ear that will hear words of advice must not be as large as a straw hat!
ReplyDeleteYou can only say your piece, pray for her and hope that she will allow the Holy Spirit to guide her!
Its all been said.
ReplyDeleteContinue praying for her in love.
This actually happened to my aunt, my mum felt she should give her relationship with a guy more time before they get married. She was so stubborn and wanted to get married because she "was getting old". They met and got married in 3months. She was determineo go on with the wedding, she actually stopped talking to my mum for some time.
ReplyDeleteLong story short...after the ceremony, she found out there were lots of things he lied about. It marked the beginning of the end of that marriage. The marriage barely lasted 3years. Now she has a bag full of "had I knowns" and 2boys to care for all alone.
Thing is, when it comes to love matter, we hardly listen to the voice of reason (sad tho'). The best u can do is just keep praying for her.
God answers prayers
What you should do is be her friend.
ReplyDeleteWe often feel like we know better than others what is good for them while resenting people who do the same to us. Love her. Pray for her. Be there for here.
Be her friend.
The choice is hers in the end, you can only pray for her.
ReplyDeletei like the comments on this blog.
ReplyDeletewell my advise to you is talkless to her on this matter but pray more.
am in my early 30's not in a relationship yet but trusting God for one, when i see my self wanting to get despirate i turn to the Word(God's Word) cos He never fails.
Keep praying for ur friend though it hurt to see someone u love going down d pit and refusing to listen to advise.
Thank you all for your insightful comments...We will do a post on this shortly...
ReplyDeleteGod bless!