"There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage." ~Martin Luther

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

A reader's question- Am I over spiritualizing dating?

I got this question sometime last year but due to reasons that are totally my fault I am only getting around to posting this. First of all I apologise to the person who sent the question in for posting this late after promising that I would put this up. Please forgive me. I have no excuse really. I sincerely hope it is not too late for answers.

My people so here's the question for you. This reader needs our sincere advice.

Look forward to your answers. Thanks


Just wanted to say I came across your blog, your posts are really encouraging, positive, and changed my perspective on a lot of things. Thank you for sharing.

So I just wanted to know what your thoughts are on overspiritualizing dating/relationships.

I ask this because a few of my friends say that I over spiritualize every aspect of meeting a guy/dating and perhaps this is why i'm still single.

I'm 25, never been in a relationship, not because I've never wanted to but it just never seemed to happened for me (perhaps God allowed this to save me from the pain of heartbreaks until he sent me my partner?) . Perhaps because of my "lack of experience" and because of the fact that i'm an emotional person, i feel very strongly about guarding my heart, I'm very cautious of who I choose to pursue a relationship with. 

I feel very strongly about only dating the person I will eventually marry, partly because I know that my heart can't handle emotional rollercoasters that comes with break ups. This does not mean i'm not friendly to guys who approach me.  

I also feel strongly about becoming friends with a guy first, and if God wills something else may follow, but i'm very selective on who I go on dates with, and I pray about every single aspect of meeting a person and interacting with them, to even dating them. 

I'm "old fashioned" and I strongly believe that a man should have the desire to pursue me and not vice versa but my friends feel like this mindset will keep me single for a while.

Sometimes I think that perhaps I need to get out more and meet more people because God is not just going to drop someone in your lap, but at the same time I don't always have the time to do this. I believe that God will somehow make my path cross with that of my future "king" eventually no matter what.

What are your perspectives/advice on this issue? My aim is to please God and him alone, I desire to date and get married but are some of my thought processes wrong?

P.S Please keep the questions coming in and I promise to be prompt at posting them (so help me God!)


  1. I feel very strongly about only dating the person I will eventually marry - NOT A BAD FEELING, BUT YOU HAVE TO REALIZE THAT THIS MAY NOT BE THE CASE FOR EVERYONE. KEEP BELIEVING THOUGH, IT JUST MIGHT BE YOUR STORY :)

    I also feel strongly about becoming friends with a guy first - VERY IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE COS AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU NEED A FRIEND TO GROW OLD WITH

    I'm "old fashioned" and I strongly believe that a man should have the desire to pursue me and not vice versa - SO DO I, I ALWAYS DESIRED SOMEONE WHO LOVED THE HECK OUT OF ME AND WOULD GO LENGTHS FOR ME AND THANK GOD HE GAVE ME MY DESIRES

    Sometimes I think that perhaps I need to get out more - IT SURE WONT HURT TO GO OUT MORE IF INDEED YOU HARDLY DO :)


    PS: these are not shouty caps, just my way of differentiating my views from yours :)

  2. I feel the problem lies not in spiritualizing the dates, but with yourself as a person.

    I am sure God wants us to involve him in all aspects of our lives, and that is what you are doing, but are you also depending on the instincts, feelings and wisdom that God gave you to make your decisions? One must take risks in this life, and you will never fully live life to the fullest if you overprotect yourself.

    The truth of the matter is that it is the ones whom you love the most that will hurt you, but you will only become stronger if you learn to overcome the hurt and continue to love. Jesus loves us dearly and each day we hurt him, but it never stops him from loving us back the very next minute.... and that is what makes him divine!

    I will suggest that this year you challenge yourself and do something different and daring! Continue to pray about every person you meet and every step of the process, but go on as many dates as possible, even when you are scared to do so! Go on double dates with your girlfriends if it makes you feel comfortable.

    I am also an old fashioned person, but reading the book of Ruth gave me another perspective: she strategically placed herself in a position where she could be selected to be married by Boaz.... She didn't throw herself at him as you think you may be doing if you put yourself out...

    I hope I made some sense. I admire your courage to keep up with God every step of the way... I know He will answer you soon!

    1. Your Ruth example is a great one @writeforsanitysake!

      I think you may have over-spiritualised it a tiny bit (the writer of this question). Of course you should pray about it and seek God because your future husband is going to have a massive impact on your life. HOWEVER, I've learnt recently that God has already done everything you need concerning you. It is up to you to now walk into the promises He made you. The Isrealites were promised land but they had to make the journey out of the desert. You have to take some steps love towards finding your husband. You can't wait for him to just materialise. Go out more! Have fun! Don't think so much! God's ways aren't our ways. You might expect to meet him at a party but he might approach you at a bus stop! Just be OPEN and RECEPTIVE that the possibilities are endless. Pray, don't over-think it and have fun! God will direct your path in Jesus's name I pray for you. Amen! It would be nice to hear how you get on. x

  3. @writeforsanitysake, you have captured it beautifully. I just want to add a few things as well. I do not think you are over spiritualizing things at all. Anything that must stand the test of time, does not develop in a rush, but it builds up from a certain sure foundation and grows. As children of God, Christ remains the bedrock of all our decisions. However, like writeforsanitysake pointed out, there are resources He has put at our disposal that we must harness for productivity. His word says that wisdom is profitable to direct. You must find/understand how to balance things up such that you are not spooky in your spirituality. The Bible says that God has given us everything that pertains to life(secular) and godliness(spirituality). We need the two; we are in this world, even though, not of this world.

    I am old school as well and also believe that the man does the pursuing, but without throwing yourself at any man, you can make yourself findable and I am saying this in terms of developing those innate qualities that will attract a godly, christian man to you.

    That being said, I can give you snippets of my own experience as a married woman of over 10 years-this year will make it 11, and I am still enjoying my marriage. I had a really sheltered upbringing and my parents were strict about boys-so strict that, looking back, I believe they over did it, because what it succeeded in doing, was scare us off boys and we were very uncomfortable around them, my sister and I. However, I desired to marry, and I had become born again, from the mere morally upright person I was. I prayed, and I desired a godly partner, and I specifically told God that I did not want to move from one relationship to the other, that he should lead me straight to the man He had for me. I did not know how that would happen, but when I eventually met my husband, (we were in a dept together in church), I had to rely on the wisdom of God to discern if this was it, and also trust God enough to accept the proposal. Those days, my social life was zero, lol. It revolved around church activities and school, but I was reading, and I was learning/trying to develop qualities that would make me a good wife to my husband. God gave me the desires of my heart, gave me a well balanced man, who understands how to balance the spiritual and the secular such that our life together is not boring in the least. I hope this helps somehow. All I want to say is this: trust the process which God is taking you through in order to connect you with your life partner. When you aim to please God in all you do, He will not allow your trust/belief in Him to go unrewarded.

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  4. Splendid answers from the 3 ladies above me. One tiny addition will be Be yourself and follow your heart. As long as your heart desires to follow the Lord, He will grant you the desires of your heart which are His desires for you too.
    Your philosophy is right. Follow the Lord and He'll lead you to green pastures, the best person for you etc.
    Its not your 'working' that'll lead you to the man, rest in His will for you and has been said keep on Trusting!
    The other thing is its right to question your friends advice. don't let it worry you too much. Test what they say against what your heart tells you (i assume from your letter your heart is stayed on Christ).

    All the very best !

  5. Although I'm much older than the person asking the question, these responses are very applicable to me. Thank you, ladies!

  6. The answers above are very on point. Someone said relationships as much as they are spiritual are physical too. I agree. All the best to you.

  7. The above comments pretty much cover it all.
    I will just like to add that balance is important. It is important when running with one truth, not to discard others at the expense of it. It's tricky, and each person has to find what works for them, but you can do it. Loving God does not mean that we shouldn't have a good time.


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