"There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage." ~Martin Luther

Thursday, 17 September 2009

Recognising Red flags in a relationship

The soulsistas are back!!! Apologies for the radio silence but I think we are back :)

A while back we looked at what to do while waiting for Mr Right. I mentioned on that post that we will cover some ways to recognise Mr Right and not settle for less. however, I have modified today's post slightly to show how to recognise "Mr Wrong" by identifying some red flags to look out for in a relationship.

Many women who are married today and have marital issues most likely saw some red flags before they got married. They either chose to ignore the signs, think they could change the man or believed “love” will conquer all. The period of Dating/courtship is a prelude to what will happen in marriage so expecting that a man will change for the better after marriage is like expecting a leopard to change its spots because it moved to a new zoo.

I know some people pretend to be what they are not during dating/courtship however I believe as a child of God, he will show you signs to look out for. Besides, people- Christians or not reveal their true character when under pressure.

Dating is not the time to be kissing, smooching and sexing but the time to shine your eyes and watch out for any red flags that might later on impact your marriage. When you are busy having sex, it is harder to identify the signs.

Red flags are indication that something is wrong in your relationship and either needs addressing or an evaluation of whether the relationship should continue or not. Of course no one is perfect but it is your prerogative to decide if you can commit to your partner with their flaws. Remember marriage is a commitment. If you cannot tolerate a behaviour before marriage don’t delude yourself and expect it to change after marriage. It would most likely only get worse because at this point all the chasing and wooing has been done, the contract signed hence both parties are free to be their real selves.

Red flags include lying, distrust, laziness, inability to hold a job, and irresponsibility. Others include complaining, fault-finding, whining, clinging to parents, inability to make critical decisions, and lack of self-esteem. Some of these red flags can be addressed and worked through depending on the people involved and tolerance level. However some red flags that should not be disregarded or ignored include violence, uncontrolled anger & rage, physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, drinking and drug abuse, gambling, or infidelities. My candid advice is if you see any of these signs RUN. All these signs have to do with the person’s character (also the earlier stated ones) which is usually hard to change. It is possible with the help of the HolySpirit but challenging. You do not have to wait till you are the object of abuse before you know there is a problem. Observe how he treats his mum, sisters and other friends. Soon he will be treating you the same way.

The earlier you recognise the red flags, the earlier you can assess how serious they are and determine the next step to take about the relationship. Always remember that a broken relationship/engagement is far better than a broken marriage. It is wiser to call off the relationship when you can then enter marriage and regret it for the rest of your life. Marriage as a Christian is for life so shine your eyes and do your due diligence before you sign the dotted lines.

Image Source: Wikipedia Commons


  1. welcome back oooo
    i like this one esp. how you said dating is no the time to be smooching and carrying on

    too true
    have a good weekend

  2. Hehe, true!

    Thans for the post, I'll be looking out for red flags though the question of mariage won't be years from now.

    I've updated finally.!

  3. A word is enough for the wise...but my dear, they say a bird in hand is worth 2 in the bush. Wat should one do when there seems to be no other alternative around?

  4. bn too long! but this post all but makes up for it

  5. i've struggled to stop believing that love conquers all... Good Read - makes u think wat a partner for life should be about

  6. Its been a while.

    When women are like, we were dating for 5years+ and he never showed any sign of wife-beating or adultery.

    That is just total crap to me. There will be red-flags. Most definitely. Nobody is that good an actor. It may not be in relation to u but in his dealings with others.

    What matters is whether u choose to ignore d red flags

  7. welcome back..
    relli nice post..
    said it ..just the way it is..

  8. interesting post, but i think its rather misleading in giving unmarried folks the perception that if they follow the rules as u've stated above- that their marraige will be blissful or that people don't change. Now when u speak to those who've been married for many many years- i'm sure if they're honest- they'll tell u the truth. People DO change.

    Yes u can avoid folks with such visible traits- but what do u do with other issues many years down the line e.g. pride, malice, unforgiveness, impatience etc.

    Yes a broken engagment is waaaaaay better than a broken marriage but the reality is when u get to a certain age with pressure mounting- folks do ignore these signs. It only takes someone with high self esteem not to fall prey to such pressure.

  9. @Kafo- thanks dear

    @abujamaiden- i feel you. i guess even when marriage isnt in the horizon, identifying these red flags will help you not to waste your time in a relationship that isnt meant to be.

    I will check out your new post dia.

    @Rita- thank you for that question. the way i see it is that even when there seems to be no alternative around, as a child of God you should trust that God has someone out there for you. Besides on the average most people spend most of their lives married than single so i think it makes sense to me to be single and wait for mr right than to end up in a miserable marriage.

    @doll- thanks dear!

    @lil Miss Thang- it sure does!

    @Ms 'dufa- I am glad you agree with me. There will always be signs

    @simeone- thanks bro

    @Tigeress-many thanks for your comment. I do not think i have given the perception that a relationship without these signs will be blissful. Apologies if it appears so. The intention of this post is about identifying the red flags before marriage and deciding what the next step is.

    Yes people change...for good or for bad...and for this issues you have stated, i think this is a different ball game we are dealing with as opposed to seeing these traits BEFORE marriage.

    Also as a child of God..even when these signs are not obvious...the inner witness, the Holyspirit, will still let you know this isn't "it"...because he knows the future but this is a different topic in itself.

    And yes i do agree that after a certain age, pressure might come in but also remember those people wont be in the marriage with you. Anyway you already said it- it takes someone with high self esteem not to fall prey and my prayer is that a lot of women get to that level of self esteem. We need a paradigm shift! (Part of the purpose of this blog.)

    Tigeress, I hope the intention of this post is now clearer?

  10. I definitely think that in the majority of cases, there are red flags that we see and sometimes choose to ignore because everything else is so wonderful, or maybe we're tired of waiting and hope that God will make this person the right one because we have decided he's the one. Of course, God does not work that way.

    I am fully committed to taking all the time I need to make sure that I am making the correct choice. The last thing I want is to have regrets or to suffer for "marrying in haste".

    Thank you for this message!

  11. its been really over long!!!

    Now in my own opinion,it is easier said than done...just like most things in life.....
    Its easier for a woman that conceived and had kids without any issue to advice another that has been searching for kids for years to go and adopt as it's the same thing...u can love the baby like urs and things.

    I am not in anyway opposing anything you have said but i just read a link on tigeress recent post and it got me thinking 4times about all this are correct oh but is it better to wait till 45 to get married or "settle" at 25??who even said u are assured of getting that best option as a single and unmarried 45 year old anyway??the truth is that the older one gets the less the options become most times

  12. @GNG- i am glad to know u are fully committed to waiting. I can imagine that it is not easy but I believe strongly in my heart that your wait will not be in vain in Jesus name.

    @QMoney- i see where you are coming from. well what can i say..i guess it depends on what each woman wants in life...if a woman wants to "settle" at 25 all well and good..but she shouldn't start lamenting when things are not going according to how she envisaged in her marriage...also if a woman decides to wait for the best till 45 then I think she should wait "joyfully".
    Everyone's circumstances is different...and it all depends on what you value in life.

    This post is not commanding anybody to do only helps you to identify red flags and then you decide what to do. I gave my own opinion at the end because I believe it pays to wait for the best.

  13. People will show their true colors in time. I am estimating that for a man it will happen within 3 months or less. Ladies, watch your hearts and don't give a guy too much of you, emotional or physical, until you know what colors he has.

  14. I love your blog! So refreshing!

  15. That was lovely. I enjoyed reading it.

  16. i totally agree with you!but we females pretend more than males during courtship.

  17. I thinks a lot of people would rather endure the pain of remaining in a relationship that is wring, rather than being alone.. Or actually being patient enough to wait for the right person, while growing to become, the man/woman, that other person would appreciate and embrace.

    People fail to heal from relationship 1, and never learn the necessary lesson before jumping to 2,3 4 , 5 etc

  18. I thinks a lot of people would rather endure the pain of remaining in a relationship that is wring, rather than being alone.. Or actually being patient enough to wait for the right person, while growing to become, the man/woman, that other person would appreciate and embrace.

    People fail to heal from relationship 1, and never learn the necessary lesson before jumping to 2,3 4 , 5 etc

  19. Very correct... But are you saying sex, smooching, kissing are bad during courtship? Cos I think these are integral parts of Courtship.

  20. really enjoyed this....hoping to read more from you soon

  21. If you see any red flags, Run girl, Run!

    I think I know Aloted.... must check my blog list..


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