"There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage." ~Martin Luther

Friday, 30 January 2009

Boundaries, do we need them?

Without preparation, failure is inevitable. If u fail to plan, you plan to fail. A wise man once said 'begin with the end in mind'.

Have you been in a relationship where you started with no definition,and then wondered 'how did we get here'? You started out 'going with the flow', things seemed pretty cool and it was easier not to make any decisions, then all of a sudden you found yourself in a position you thought you could never be.

For instance Ade is your very good friend, you feel so close. Eventually, you do what everyone has advised you to do, you hook up somehow. Yay, do I hear wedding bells ringing in your head? You start holding hands, nothing wrong in holding hands, then you graduate to putting your arms around each other which is very cool.

One day you and Ade decide to take a walk in the night, you get to a point where you stop, while talking and enjoying each other's company, the atmosphere is just right for an embrace. You proceed, then somehow, you find yourselves kissing eachother, his hand somehow ends up in your blouse, your head screams an alarm but it feels too right, can something which feels so right be wrong? There's a pang of guilt but you go ahead. In a couple of months, Ade asks you to sleep over, you can't disagree, it will give you time together, yah? Remember you haven't even decided how far you want to go. At first he sleeps on the couch but it's too uncomfortable, so you snuggle together and it's a cold night. Ade puts his arms around you, then his arms start roving your body. Again, the alarm goes off but it feels so right yet so wrong.

When you do not set boundaries, you start resenting the other person when you feel like they have overstepped their boundary. Why? Because in your head, you have the boundary, the only issue is that the other person is totally oblivious to it! Also when you violate your personal boundaries, guilt sets in and you lose a sense of peace. Do I have a witness??

Here are a few tips for setting boundaries in your relationships (applicable to both men and women):

1. Begin with the end in mind- Decide how far you want to go in your relationship. Is this a lifetime relationship or not? Ask serious questions about the result of your relationships. Get to a point where you guys have verbally declared your intentions

2. Make sure you are in agreement - Amos 3:3 says 'can two walk together except they agree?' Agree what are the limits in your relationship. Do we want to stop at holding hands? Are we going to kiss? Make sure your beliefs are similar, else you will not be able to set any boundaries.

3. Have a vision for your relationship. Where do you hope to get? What is our aim in coming together? It might help if you write it down. Remember where purpose is not known, abuse is inevitable!

4. Be accountable to someone- it helps when you have someone you talk to and can be a voice of reason or act as a check. No man thrives in isolation and when you start to go beyond boundaries, you tend to become more secretive.

5. Communicate. Be open and honest with each other. Share your thoughts. There will be times when you will might feel the boundaries are too harsh, share with your partner and let him or her know what you're feeling.

The benefits of setting boundaries are enormous. It gives a sense of knowing what you want, believe in and are willing to stand up for which ultimately will earn you your partner's respect. Start setting those boundaries. It's not too late to start.

'P.S: if you have a topic you would like us to discuss, please feel free to email us. We will do our research and then post on the said topic. Fear not, even secrets are safe with us! :)


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. So true, i never really set boundaries cos i just dated for d sake of it and it was serious headache deciding when and where to draw d line with each person.

  3. Most men dont decrare their intentions as such.Most of them get attracted to the body first and they wanna tap into as soon as possible. Is only a few who sees beyond that, that build the friendship before tapping into the content.

    I like this,you've got it there Whitefreaak.. Me I always have the end in mind before I set a relationship in motion, though not every realtionship end up the way we want.But knowing what you want ersonally and reaching a compromise is good.

    But believe me sisters rarely come across such men like that who knows what they want outrightly..But their are, the players are just damn too much.

  4. Now this is what I'm talking about. I've never been the go with the flow type, I guess it has a lot to do with my personality and how I was brought up, BUT sometimes even when these boundaries are set the guys just end up acting out of bounds!

    Also some of them need a rude awakening to set them straight and to me that just sucks. Because most time I'd be inpateint unless God holds me

  5. yes writefreak you have a witness!
    Thanks for the pearls of wisdom.

  6. I so agree with you and love how this is in sync with the previous post of going with the flow...instead of just 'going wiv flow' boundaries need to be set and clear with both parties...
    Once more I've been nodding my head enthusiastically as I was reading your post..i loves your work hon!!!

  7. i agree with u cuz Having boundaries is not just about ensuring that people don’t disrespect you - It’s about ensuring that you don’t keep putting yourself in situations where YOU end up disrespecting YOU.

    but i have a question, when do you set this boundaries?as soon as u start dating or mid way or when?

  8. OMG! This is so relevant to me. Thanks Miss Love for directing me here.
    In my last post I wrote something about feeling guilty for leading a certain guy on by basically going with the flow. I agree with fumns in the end its about not disrespecting yourself and I also echo Fumns question of when you actually set the boundaries cuz if you set them too early, it might be seem like you're making abig deal out of a very premature situation
    And sometimes going with the flow is very tempting especially when there are not many other options available

  9. You do have a witness!
    this boundary thing is so important, cos lots of us fall victims when we dont, i have, a few times.
    at first i like guy but really didnt want to raise my hopes so they wont be dashed and it was all fun. of cos until the defining moment came, i just felt so stupid.

    but really, just like someone asked, when do u set these boundaries? it could be confusing u know?

    nice work here guys, will send my topics!

  10. @aloted, great post sisters o. I am loving it. You so right about the boundary thing. Many people really need to read this post.
    @writefreak...need you to do a post about How are you both doing?

  11. I missed coming here, school work is crazy.

  12. God bless you two for starting this blog, I've learnt so much already!
    Please keep up the good work.

  13. Guess boundaries and definitions are critical to ensuring any relationship is focused.. The folks over at Boundless call it having "more connection than clarity".. Key issue is where and when do do the boudaries get set....... Too early and the dude could get scared off, too late and its damage limitation all the way....

  14. lovely post...will definately use this in the future...May the Lord uphold you both to continue to bless n enrich lives :-)

  15. So sorry it's taken me long to reply all your comments...was awol a short while
    @ jayla
    I'm glad you agree...when you set boundaries, it saves a lot of heartaches!

    There are many players out there i agree but there are also guys who know what they want. May you find yours if you haven't

    No, some relationships don't end the way we want but we need to know what we want from the start

    I see your point, most men will act out of bounds unless we ladies put our foot down, they're not as strong as we are especially when it comes to being physical so we have to put our foot down!

    @Confessions in scarlet
    Thank you my sister! Glad we agree

    Thanks darling, and also for the compliment...

    @Miss Love
    You're not first cos you came the advice works for you

    I would say you start setting boundaries once the relationship is in motion, i mean once you start dating so that expectations will be clear...If the guy decides to go out of bounds before then, then you set him straight. Of course, you need to already have this boundaries in your mind even when you@re still friends so that if the guy steps out of bounds, you can keep him in check

    yes, going with the flow is easy cos you don't have to make any decisions then and you won't appear harsh but we're talking about your self esteem here miss..see response to funms above

    Thanks sis!

    Yes when you go with the flow, yoy will have fun initially until you start doing things you didn't bargain for.
    Like i said to Funms and Tiwa, start setting the boundaries once the relationship is in motion, and you're sure you're dating. If the guy decides to go out of bounds before then, then you set him straight. Of course, you need to already have this boundaries in your mind even when you're still friends so that if the guy steps out of bounds, you can keep him in check

    We're very well darling. So what about SEX? Need you to clarify so i will know wxactly what part of sex
    Thanks for the support on this blog babe. Hope school work is easier now

    thanks so much, hope to see you around again

    Please read my response to Funms above as per when to set boundaries

    Wish i understood what you

    thank you!

    We say a bit Amen to your prayers!

  16. Way to go babe, setting boundaries and defining your relationship with anyone is the right thing to do. Its okay to ask "what are we doing?"

  17. This is really good. Setting boundary makes you know that there are things to do and things to avoid...

  18. Boundaries give each party definition of what the relationship is supposed to guys are doing a good job - Keep it up and God Bless xx

  19. oh yesssssssssssssssss

    we need to set dem boundaries

  20. @ Caelestis
    Yep, it's very very ok to ask!

    Exactly! right know when you're doing the right or wrong thing!

    Thanks so much..may God continue to help us to bless lives

    I'm glad you agree...

  21. wow, there was alot of wisdom in that post, I wish i knew those tings when i was much younger and trying to navigate through relationships... but the first tip is definitely the one that strikes me the most... 1. Begin with the end in mind- Decide how far you want to go in your relationship... will definitely be putting that in mind...

  22. It's about having control too. If you can't take the heat, then get out the kicthen. I say, it goes as far as a hug...then maybe a kiss on the forehead. It will make the relationship all the more respectable, bring value (alot) to yourself, and make you even sexier, cuz he knows you not going to be easy....hollaaaaa

  23. much more on point cud u be???

    btw, please how do u guys do the signature thing at the bottom?

  24. This hit closer to home than I like the truth as a wake up call...

  25. @ D Diva
    Glad you were able to learn a lesson from the post, never too late, i say!

    Thank you

    @Lady A
    Not good to be an easy lady! Thanks for stopping by

    burracup baby, glad the post was on point!
    to do the signature thingy, click on mine or aloted's and it will take you to the site where you can design yours
    (sorry for late response, been awol)

    lol...well the truth gotta be told..
    how you doing?

  26. yup u have a witness. LOL. nice write up

  27. OK, it's official, i think i have a writer crush(or blogger crush) on the soul sistahs.

    Boundaries are those things that prevent the
    "one thing led to another"
    "Oh it just happened"
    Excuses that people give for the shenanigans they get up to.

    Boundaries are those warning signs that say Ok, the sign says DANGER AHEAD, UNDER CONSTRUCTION, i better take my foot off the gas(accelerator) right now.

    Boundaries are those preset and pre determined demarcations verbally agreed upon by both parties, NOT the one we set in our mind and secretly hope the other person does the same.

    "He that breaketh a hedge shall be bitten by a serpent"

    Godly dating(courtships) have physical(and conversation) boundaries which we do not cross, and when we do, we have no one else but ourselves to blame , for the consequences we face.

    For our own spiritual safety and emotional/psychological sanity, let's have boundaries.

    Wonderful job ladies.

    PS-How do you do the signature and copyright message at the bottom.


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