"There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion or company, than a good marriage." ~Martin Luther

Thursday, 22 January 2009

Going with the flow...

How many times have you heard the phase “I’ll just relax and go with the flow”. Usually a lot of us say this when we don’t want to make a crucial decision especially when it comes to living our life to the fullest, or regarding relationships. We tend to cover up making a decision with “going with the flow.”

One common example of going with the flow-

You meet a nice guy, Mr A, you like him, you think he likes you. He calls you almost everyday, does all the nice things guys do, yet he does not declare his intentions. You can’t determine exactly what is going on, but he treats you somewhat like his girlfriend. Oh, well, you tell yourself, I’ll just go with the flow and see what happens.
Who is in control of the whole situation- certainly not you, my sister! Your life is literally on a standstill, waiting for Mr A to call or to say or do something. You can’t do anything else, you can’t think of anything or anyone else, you ignore other "potential" etc. When things don’t turn out the way you expect, you blame Mr A for leading you on. Well, Mr A might have led you on but you won’t feel as bad if you were "running things", right?
When you go with the flow, it means you have given control to everyone else or your circumstances. You tend to be reactive and not proactive. You only make a move, when the tides & waves of life are thrown at you, instead of creating exciting opportunities for your life. As a result, your decisions are uninformed, hasty, in a panic and might end up in pain or in a disaster. Yes, some people might be lucky enough to have everything work out by just going with the flow but do you really want to take that chance?

A lot of us find it very very easy to let others take control, while we take the backseat in our lives. “My daddy/boyfriend/husband/friend will sort it out”. By giving control to others, we are implying that we can’t make any decisions for our lives hence people will definitely make the decisions for us. Daddy chooses what course to study in school, boyfriend determines we should be having sex now; husband makes all the decisions and we have no say, friends put peer pressure on us to do the opposite of what we believe in. The list goes on and on

Please stop waiting for someone else to make your life happen. There is an endless pool of possibilities for your pleasure and fulfilling your life within your reach. As a single person you are blessed to have resources to living the life you want without having to check with anyone else. This is one luxury many married people do not have.

Some simple steps to help you stop "going with the flow"-

1) Know your core values and what you stand for. It is better to know this upfront, before all sorts of temptations come your way. Need I say more?

2) Be in control of your money by planning your financials ahead of time. List out your monthly expenses and settle that before you start spending. Save. Make a plan to pay off your debts on credit cards or with the lady you bought jewlery from last week. That way you won’t be saddled with too much debt.

3) Another one on money. Seek for investment opportunities and invest. As a single woman you should have your own money that is working for you. Doing this, means when you get into a relationship or get married no man can see you as a financial liability.

4) Be committed to improving your self- emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. If you enjoy self-help books, read them; exercise, read your bible, pray, get close to God.

5) Broaden your horizon by reading educative books and trying out new activities. Step out of your comfort zone. Join a cooking class, a dance class or try something you have always wanted to do.

6) “Tush up”, simply meaning start/continue looking good. Declutter! Get rid of your old clothes and upgrade your wardrobe, your hairstyle, makeup etc. You don’t need to have a man in your life to look good. Neither do you need a man to give you money to buy new clothes/accessories. Set a standard already for Mr Man to come and follow.

7) Learn to manage your time & resourcees- remember the 80/20 rule. Check
here for more details

8)Reach out to others. Be a blessing to others around you. Someone needs to hear a word of encouragement from you. It is not all about you. I usually feel happy with myself when I am a source of support to someone else.
The list is endless but I have listed a few that I tried to follow when I was single and this has helped me a lot over the years.

My sisters, please do not wait for your life to happen until a man comes into it. He should meet you busy. I can bet he will respect you even more. Stop going with the flow and take action today.

In what other ways can we stop going with the flow? Please feel free to share your thoughts. Thank you.

**Photo copyright Ian Beesley


  1. This obviously resonated strongly with me as a single woman and I'm happy to say that I have embraced many of these things already. Life keeps going, single or not, and it would be sad indeed if someone was putting their life on hold because they were waiting for life to begin when a man enters it. Life has already begun!

    I have to admit I was very nervous purchasing a wee home on my own but as the months to my moving date draw nearer I'm excited and proud of myself and looking forward to handling this new responsibility. I feel proud that I was able to save for a downpayment and go through these steps towards home ownership.

    I look forward to being the best person I can be — single or not — and playing an active role in the process!

  2. hmmmm you brought out some real truths there.

    I used to be one of thoes people who went with the flow until i realised that the flow was actually taking me downstream. Now i'm learning to take control of my destiny because truth is if i'm not truly happy and satisfied with who i am teh no man can every make me happy.

  3. Going with the flow has always been my thing...which never worked my decided to lay the rules and stick to it...

  4. ive learnt from alot of situations to stop going with the flow.......... this is a great post... thanx

  5. lovely lovely loving it already. Ya so right people, get your life together and let Mr right find you busy. Great points!!

  6. GNG- i know i have told you before but i am really proud of you for making things happen in your life. You go girl

    Confessions in scarlet- I am glad you are no longer going with the flow. And u r so right about being happy with who you are.

    kabi- hmm, good to hear from people's experiences like yours of how going with the flow is not the way.

    funms- thats nice to hear...thanks dear.

  7. YNB- thanks lady :) preach it!!!

  8. Its like u were talking to me..

  9. Its like u were talking to me..

  10. Be the first to know about THE POETRY AFRICA REALITY SHOW
    Egoh Salem(Administrator)

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  12. I totally am digging this post!I detest that phrase'going with the flow' and any1 who says it to me gets deleted...its a lack of control, because some1 else is the captain of the ship, who determines the direction of the flow?..definitely not the one being told...
    So standing for what one wants and being true to their feelings and actually holding the reins helps breaks this 'going with the flow'

  13. btw, m loving this place..xoxo

  14. This post is hawtre!!!
    I sure will be sticking to the saving and investment advice especially...I need that in my life right now!
    Talking of going with the flow...hmmmn...why do we give control to others like that? once I know a guy is trying to play the "go with the flow" game with me...I discard him ASAP...regardless of how much I "like" him...let him go and sort himself out abeg!I can't shout!!!

  15. Buttercup- really? wow thats good to know. So hope you'll stop going with the flow dia. Be in charge!

    African poet- I am not that into poerty but shall check out your blog soon.

    ShonaVixen- thanks sista!! good that you have refused to go with the flow. Nice one!!! Thanks for the tip as well.

    Nolimit- thanks dearie, it might help if you have an account strictly for expenses and one for savings. later on you can fix your savings in an account so you wont be able to touch it for at least 6 months..lets talk more...

    Yes o..we are too much for the "go with the flow" game!

  16. yes oh...I totally I will give it an Afrobabe twist...double

  17. Wow… I am really feeling this post... 'going with the flow' has become my mantra when it comes to certain types of relationships and that is because I’m usually not sure what I want and I hope that it’ll become clearer as time goes on or as I perceive the action of the other individual… but you are absolutely correct that by going with the flow, at least in a relationship sense, you are giving the control overt o someone else…

    the odd thing is that I don’t go with the flow with any other aspect of my life, from work to education to my family, I make strong, educated, and assertive decisions… but when it comes to relations its like I’m a completely different person, but I do know when to end the going with the flow in a relationship, cause no matter how passive or non-confrontational I want to be, I respect myself enough to know when to leave the situation alone… its one thing to think something, it another to have someone point it out to you…


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  19. Loving this post....I kept ticking the do's as I was reading and I must say, I was pretty impressed with myself- Meaning, I'm on the right track Woo Hoo!

    Thanks for this piece....

  20. Very nice. But fear hinders alot of things! The piece made me ponder about many things. You had the nail and hammer and indeed, you did hit the point hard. Ouch!!

  21. Nice Points! We have to develop ourselves as a whole before we get married. We should not be looking at others be it family/BF/friends to fill the void! God will help us :-)

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  23. said...
    Inspired post and nice comments!
    We are all created with gifts and talents which if developed can make us stand on our own not depending on anybody for anything and having the resources to get what is needed anytime.
    This make us have a free mind not thinking of what somebody will do for me but what i can do.

  24. Afrobabe- hehehehehe, not surprised you would add your own twist :)

    DD-thanks for stopping by. it's good you have observed where in your life you go with the flow and i am glad u are working on it...

    will love to see you more here :)

    ~Sirus~-way to go sis! Nice one!!!

    You are welcome :)

    Mike- you are right...FEAR limits surely does...

    SimpleMee-I like how you summarised the whole message...NO human being can fill the void

    moses- thank you. I totally agree with u...thanks for sharing your insight on this.

  25. going with the flow never really leads to decisions we are happy with, because other people's decisions are often dumped on us. chances are the other person is more decisive than u are, so u end up taking someone else's choice, rather than ur own (regarding anything, relationship, decisions, even ice cream flavors :) )

    like the blog ladies.

  26. I know God lead you ladies to start this blog. There are a lot of ladies that need to read this post. Don't wait till you have a man to begin your life. Great post. I am loving so far. I am off to announce your blogs on my blog. later.

  27. this is soo correct! keep writing sis

  28. This is very good advice...and so true. I do it all the time when I can't decide on a we stay home and cook!

  29. Mimi- sista! thanks for the comment, totally makes sense

    YNB-aww thanks for the vote of confidence...and the free advert ;)

    teebay- eehmmm, yah! :D

    Sade- thank u my sista!

    Rachel- thanks for stopping see you have a different view for us. nice...

  30. LOVE THIS POST! I was notorious for being a going with the flow type girl, but realized that behavior sometimes made me a stopped. And your blog layout is so comfy, dig'n it.

  31. I have a friend, who always wait up on her boyfriend before she does things for herself and I always rebuke her for this..

    Why would I wait for a man before I make things happen myself?

    One problem men have with me is that I'm very blunt and that am smart and sometimes I chastise myself for being too independent. just because I hate going with the flow. I love making it happen.

    This is another great piece..Thx

  32. Thanks for sharing, its like ur talking to me, i feel like am the weakest woman out there and i break easily and most times decisions are made for me, my boyfriend is sick n tired of telling me to be strong and learn how to take control of my life...

  33. Thanks for sharing, its like ur talking to me, i feel like am the weakest woman out there and i break easily and most times decisions are made for me, my boyfriend is sick n tired of telling me to be strong and learn how to take control of my life...

  34. the post is totally on point, make it happen for yourself and he is sure as hell going to respect you.

    nice layout too

  35. I try and tell ladies these things, but I'm sure some of them think I'm just lucky or harsh. I'm glad there are other women out there that feel the same way I do.

    Thanks for this. Added to my blog list! You guys are awesome.

  36. Preach on, sister! So true, so true....I particularly like the part about a man meeting you busy.

  37. Saved Girl- hmm i am glad that you have realised that it doesnt pay to go with the flow. thanks for loving our blog layout :)

    Spicytee- i am sure u'll soon meet a man (if you haven't already) that will be able to keep up with u..and respect you for staying true to yourself.

    prettyinpink- hmm...the fact that you have admitted your weakness shows that the battle is half won...You just need to change your thinking and everything else will fall in place. let me know if u want to talk more

    Jayla- i am happy to know you agree :) thanks for stopping by

    Nefertiti- its sad that some ladies don't see it the way we do...its for their own good, they just dont know it yet.

    Inmyhead- thanks for stopping by dear. yes o a man has to meet u busy

  38. This post was so on point! Gosh, talk about a kick in the butt..I love this blog already...u guys are so cool!


  40. Go with the flow ke? i think not!! I am a firm believer in DTR(Determine the relationship) Talks. You want to make me function as your woman before actually giving me the title? Nope, I was made for so much better!! Great Post!


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